Motherhood as a Missionfield

This article is such a good reminder for those of us who are at home caring for our families day in and day out...sometimes remembering, sometimes wondering about, sometimes dreaming of the scenery that is outside our four walls. What's going on inside our four walls is of monumental significance...

Motherhood as a Mission Field
June 16, 2011 by Rachel Jankovic

There is a good old saying, perhaps only said by my Grandfather, that distance adds intrigue. It is certainly true — just think back to anything that has ever been distant from you that is now near. Your driver’s license. Marriage. Children. Things that used to seem so fascinating, but as they draw near become less mystical and more, well, real.

This same principle certainly applies to mission fields too. The closer you get to home, the less intriguing the work of sacrifice seems. As someone once said, “Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to help Mom with the dishes.” When you are a mother at home with your children, the church is not clamoring for monthly ministry updates. When you talk to other believers, there is not any kind of awe about what you are sacrificing for the gospel. People are not pressing you for needs you might have, how they can pray for you. It does not feel intriguing, or glamorous. Your work is normal, because it is as close to home as you can possibly be. You have actually gone so far as to become home.

Home: The Headwaters of Mission

If you are a Christian woman who loves the Lord, the gospel is important to you. It is easy to become discouraged, thinking that the work you are doing does not matter much. If you were really doing something for Christ you would be out there, somewhere else, doing it. Even if you have a great perspective on your role in the kingdom, it is easy to lose sight of it in the mismatched socks, in the morning sickness, in the dirty dishes. It is easy to confuse intrigue with value, and begin viewing yourself as the least valuable part of the Church.

There are a number of ways in which mothers need to study their own roles, and begin to see them, not as boring and inconsequential, but as home, the headwaters of missions.

At the very heart of the gospel is sacrifice, and there is perhaps no occupation in the world so intrinsically sacrificial as motherhood. Motherhood is a wonderful opportunity to live the gospel. Jim Elliot famously said, “He is no fool who gives up that which he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose.” Motherhood provides you with an opportunity to lay down the things that you cannot keep on behalf of the people that you cannot lose. They are eternal souls, they are your children, they are your mission field.

Faith Makes the Small Offering Great

If you are like me, then you may be thinking “What did I ever give up for them? A desk job? Time at the gym? Extra spending money? My twenty- year- old figure? Some sleep?” Doesn’t seem like much when you put it next to the work of some of the great missionaries, people who gave their lives for the gospel.

Think about the feeding of the five thousand when the disciples went out and rounded up the food that was available. It wasn’t much. Some loaves. Some fish. Think of some woman pulling her fish out and handing it to one of the disciples. That had to have felt like a small offering. But the important thing about those loaves and those fishes was not how big they were when they were given, it was about whose hands they were given into. In the hands of the Lord, that offering was sufficient. It was more than sufficient. There were leftovers. Given in faith, even a small offering becomes great.

Look at your children in faith, and see how many people will be ministered to by your ministering to them. How many people will your children know in their lives? How many grandchildren are represented in the faces around your table now?
Gain What You Cannot Lose in Them

So, if mothers are strategically situated to impact missions so greatly, why do we see so little coming from it? I think the answer to this is quite simple: sin. Discontent, pettiness, selfishness, resentment. Christians often feel like the right thing to do is to be ashamed about what we have. We hear that quote of Jim Elliot’s and think that we ought to sell our homes and move to some place where they need the gospel.

But I’d like to challenge you to look at it differently. Giving up what you cannot keep does not mean giving up your home, or your job so you can go serve somewhere else. It is giving up yourself. Lay yourself down. Sacrifice yourself here, now. Cheerfully wipe the nose for the fiftieth time today. Make dinner again for the people who don’t like the green beans. Laugh when your plans are thwarted by a vomiting child. Lay yourself down for the people here with you, the people who annoy you, the people who get in your way, the people who take up so much of your time that you can’t read anymore. Rejoice in them. Sacrifice for them. Gain that which you cannot lose in them.

It is easy to think you have a heart for orphans on the other side of the world, but if you spend your time at home resenting the imposition your children are on you, you do not. You cannot have a heart for the gospel and a fussiness about your life at the same time. You will never make any difference there if you cannot be at peace here. You cannot have a heart for missions, but not for the people around you. A true love of the gospel overflows and overpowers. It will be in everything you do, however drab, however simple, however repetitive.

God loves the little offerings. Given in faith, that plate of PB&J’s will feed thousands. Given in faith, those presents on Christmas morning will bring delight to more children than you can count. Offered with thankfulness, your work at home is only the beginning. Your laundry pile, selflessly tackled daily, will be used in the hands of God to clothe many. Do not think that your work does not matter. In God’s hands, it will be broken, and broken, and broken again, until all who have need of it have eaten and are satisfied. And even then, there will be leftovers.

Rachel Jankovic is a wife, homemaker, and mother. She is the author of "Loving the Little Years" and blogs at Femina. Her husband is Luke, and they have five children: Evangeline (5), Daphne (4), Chloe (2), Titus (2), and Blaire (5 months).

This post has been copied, in it's entirety, from the Desiring God blog.

Under the Influence

A couple of weeks ago I had the distinct pleasure (?!) of spending a morning in the dentist's chair. Admittedly, I am a complete wimp when it comes to pain and discomfort, so almost before I sat down, I requested the nitrous oxide mask. Please, please...and turn it up!! As I lay there, completely at Dr. Smith's mercy, God reminded me of something vitally important.

It's about my mind.

You see, Dr. Smith was poking and drilling and digging and wrenching my mouth. He really was. I could feel it. But not really. I heard him talking, explaining all the horrible (!) things he was doing. But I didn't feel the pain. He'd thoroughly numbed the spots he was working on. He knew what he had to do and how long it would take and how much Novocaine I needed. He even gave me a little shelf to rest my tired jaw on. But most importantly, I had the nitrous.

I was in a state of euphoria. I was listening to conversations, sensing the twisting and pulling in my mouth, but it was all good, because the nitrous was making me think good things.

In those moments there was no pain, there was no doubt, there were no struggles. While I was aware of the issues, they had no affect on me. In that chair, I was the most patient mother in the world and all my children's character struggles were completely manageable. In that chair, I was married to the greatest man on earth, one whose sins and faults were totally insignificant. In that chair, I could handle anything. God could handle anything. In that chair everything was good!

Because I was under the influence.

When the work was over and Dr. Smith's assistant sweetly told me she was going to turn the nitrous down and the oxygen up, I silently screamed, "NO!!"

I wanted to stay there forever. I didn't want the good thoughts to go away.

Then God spoke to my heart.

They don't have to.

If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you (John 15:7).

Set your mind on things that are above, not on things that are on earth (Col 3:2).

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things (Phil 4:6-8).

Truths I know, but so often fail to apply.

I need to stay under His influence.

Not because I'll have perfect children, a sinless marriage or an easy life. But because possessing His thoughts and His truth, allowing Him to carry the weight of the yoke, results in the renewing of my mind. Results in having His perspective.

Even when I'm being tugged and pulled and poked. Even when the things He's allowed into my world cause pain.

The pain is for my ultimate good and His ultimate glory.

He knows just how long it will take. He knows just how much relief I need. And He knows just what to do with my mind.

Weeds

We're enjoying our first vegetable garden this year. The kids and I have been spending lots of time checking our growing crops and plucking out the weeds that seek to consume them. We're always amazed by how quickly they pop up and it's provided a great visual illustration for the sin that grows in our hearts: we need to get it by the root or it just grows back heartier and more stubborn!!

Last night at the dinner table, Mighty Man began a conversation that touched my heart. It is so encouraging when God shows Mr. Right and me that they're getting it!!

Mighty Man: "Dad, xxxxx (a young man we know who needs Jesus) has weeds in his heart."

Mr. Right: "Yes, he does. Do you know who else has weeds in his heart?"

Mighty Man: "Who?"

Mr. Right: "I do."

Pause.

Mighty Man: "So do I."

Princess Peacemaker: "Me too."

Another pause.

Mighty Man: "Dad, I pushed Princess Peacemaker in the pool today." Turning to his sister, "Please forgive me."

A few seconds later we heard a long sigh followed by these words: "Boy, it sure feels good to get rid of that weed. It was a big one 'cause I'd been holding onto it for a long time."

Fear-less

We have a very special little girl at our house. Her daddy calls her 'Giggles.' Partly because it rhymes with a shortened version of her given name and partly because that's just what she does. Constantly. No matter what life throws at her, Giggles is, well, giggling! And in this she brings immense joy to our home because her spirit is infectious and has all of us laughing.

God has used Giggles to teach me some very valuable lessons. Her seizure disorder brings with it several unique challenges, one of which is an incredibly high pain tolerance, the other a seeming inability to fear. This combination often helps her to get into situations most of us would have the common sense to avoid. The fact that she is two only compounds her keen ability to find trouble!

Yesterday morning she was up in the playroom terrorizing her brothers and her sister. They were building Lego towers and she was taking it upon herself to be the one-man wrecking crew. After several pleas from her siblings for a rescue, I decided I'd have her come to the kitchen to help fix a snack.

As I was walking up the stairs I saw her at the top of the landing. I held out my arms and said "C'mon, Mama needs your help cutting the watermelon." To my surprise, she backed up about four feet and with reckless abandon made a running leap for my catch.

Only I hadn't really intended to catch her. I was still five steps down and it was too far for her to jump. She didn't seem to notice and was in the air before I could stop her.

And suddenly, there she was. In the security of my embrace, having no idea of the calamity that could have befallen her, giggling and happy, thinking she'd just had the thrill of her Tuesday.

Once my heart started beating again, I felt the Lord speak to me: 'I want you to live life like she does.'

How's that, tempting disaster on a continual basis?

'No, trusting Me.'

Wow.

I've been thinking about it ever since.

Giggles has an all-or-nothing spirit. And when she leaps, she leaps. Yesterday she seemingly had no idea of the peril that awaited her when she plunged off the landing. She wasn't worried about it because she had me in her sights. There wasn't a doubt in her mind that I would catch her. She is confident enough in my love for her that she knew I wouldn't, couldn't, let her fall.

And that's how God wants me to be with Him.

The trouble is, unlike Giggles, I have known pain. And because far too often I don't first check to see if He is there, I've fallen down enough times that I also have fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of missing the mark. Fear of failure. Fear of not being caught. Fear of being hurt. And the most unfounded: fear that maybe, just maybe, He's stopped loving me.

So I hesitate. Before I choose to trust Him, I stop and weigh the options: What will trusting Him cost me?

But my loving Heavenly Father is not like me. There is no chance of Him dropping me when I leap into His loving arms. He is waiting for me. And like Giggles did yesterday, He wants me to back up, put a smile in my heart, let my hair flap in the breeze and RUN to Him. With reckless abandon. Into His safety. Into His embrace. Into His love.

Without doubting. Without stopping to think about how He might fail me. Because He won't. He can't.

He wants me to know that as much as I love my little girl, He loves me infinitely more. And as much as I want to protect Giggles, He wants to protect me more. As I watch out and care for her and help her to recognize danger, He does this for me more.

And even when it seems impossible not to crash and burn, He is still waiting for me with open arms. Never caught off guard. Always ready.

Unconditionally.

Protection

I can't even begin to describe the freedom that comes with honesty. Maybe I'm the only one who struggles with this, but when the hard times hit, I somehow believe that isolation will protect me and I'll be better off dealing with it alone.

I believe this is how Satan lies. He wants me to believe I am the only one. I am the only one who doubts. I am the only one who fears. I am the only one who struggles, who gets angry, who fails. Who sins.

So I put on my protective armour and think no one knows and the lie self-perpetuates. But when I shut down and withdraw I am not self-protecting. I am self-destructing.

But oh, how I sense the arms of Jesus when I open up and make myself vulnerable! The stories I hear of struggles not too dissimilar to mine, that I would otherwise never have known. We all have different issues. Yours may not be the same as mine, but they're just as big to you as mine are to me. And I draw such strength in knowing that others are walking the road with me or have been healed and are victorious.

It truly is in our weakness that He is made strong. He is the only one who can penetrate the walls of self-protection I erect. He is the only one who can speak truth through the negative thoughts in my mind. He is the only one who can reach out and take my hand and lead me forward when all I want to do is retreat. He is the only one who loves me enough to get past my very rejection of Him and love me through to wholeness.

He is the only one who can truly protect me.

I am praying that He will solidify this thought in my heart so I can write more about it in the coming days. Because I am now certain that I am not the only one.

Dirty Wash

A friend emailed this little story to me yesterday. It depicts what God has been revealing about my own heart this past week, although I've been struggling to put it into words...

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

'That laundry is not very clean," she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap." Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments. A month or so later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"

Her husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."

...And so it is with life. What we see when watching others, depends on the purity of the window through which we look.

My Personal Dirt Sensor

We purchased a new vacuum last year. Our old one was really old and though it had been faithful it was undoubtedly ready for retirement.

The new vacuum came with plenty of bells and whistles: it is hypoallergenic (good for our asthma issues) and has more attachments than I will ever use. But my favorite feature is the high-tech dirt sensor.

The dirt sensor is a light at the top of the control panel that transitions from red to green as I am vacuuming. When the light turns solid green it means the spot I'm working on is indeed thoroughly clean. I find this especially fascinating when it looks to me like an area is finished, but the sensor says it isn't. So I keep on with my back and forth motions until the indicator light tells me I've completed the job.

With my old vacuum, I would have just moved on leaving the ground in dirt behind, but my new vacuum tells me to stay put for awhile. And when I've finished, my carpet really does look and feel cleaner.

At the risk of oversimplifying, the Holy Spirit is my personal 'dirt sensor.' When I have an attitude or an area in my life I think is cleaned up, the Holy Spirit reminds me that even though it looks good on the surface, I may not be quite clean underneath.

It is in these times that I need to keep pressing; maintaining an awareness of what my Indicator is telling me. If I move on without a thorough cleansing, build-up occurs and ugly spots rise to the surface.

Similar to my vacuuming, a completed task and a 'green light' often takes longer than I want it to. I have to spend more time in certain areas of my heart and it can get frustrating. I'd love to just do a quick sweep and have it all taken care of, but that's not what's best.

The Indicator is helping me and in the long and short of it, I'll be a lot better off. Closer to refinement. Closer to where God wants me to be.

I've started the practice of praying as I vacuum. In those areas of my house where I'm waiting for the dirt sensor light to turn green, I am reminded to pray for the areas of my heart that are still in need of cleansing. In more ways than one, it has made a mundane chore a lot more meaningful...and profitable.

The Faith Hall of Fame

I read Hebrews 11 in a new light this week.

It's easy to read the Bible and the stories of the heroes of our faith and think there was something supernatural about them. To put them on a level somewhere above human. The truth is, they were carnal, sinful, imperfect people just like me. But they had faith. They trusted God's character in spite of the circumstances. And they were rewarded.

There is no reason why it cannot be the same for me. Except that I get in the way.

By Faith We Understand

1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. 2 For by it the elders obtained a good testimony.3 By faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible.

Faith at the Dawn of History

4 By faith Abel offered to God a more excellent sacrifice than Cain, through which he obtained witness that he was righteous, God testifying of his gifts; and through it he being dead still speaks. 5 By faith Enoch was taken away so that he did not see death, “and was not found, because God had taken him”; for before he was taken he had this testimony, that he pleased God. 6 But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. 7 By faith Noah, being divinely warned of things not yet seen, moved with godly fear, prepared an ark for the saving of his household, by which he condemned the world and became heir of the righteousness which is according to faith.

Faithful Abraham

8 By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to the place which he would receive as an inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going. 9 By faith he dwelt in the land of promise as in a foreign country, dwelling in tents with Isaac and Jacob, the heirs with him of the same promise; 10 for he waited for the city which has foundations, whose builder and maker is God. 11 By faith Sarah herself also received strength to conceive seed, and she bore a child when she was past the age, because she judged Him faithful who had promised. 12 Therefore from one man, and him as good as dead, were born as many as the stars of the sky in multitude—innumerable as the sand which is by the seashore.

The Heavenly Hope

13 These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off were assured of them, embraced them and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth. 14 For those who say such things declare plainly that they seek a homeland. 15 And truly if they had called to mind that country from which they had come out, they would have had opportunity to return. 16 But now they desire a better, that is, a heavenly country. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them.

The Faith of the Patriarchs

17 By faith Abraham, when he was tested, offered up Isaac, and he who had received the promises offered up his only begotten son, 18 of whom it was said, “In Isaac your seed shall be called,” 19 concluding that God was able to raise him up, even from the dead, from which he also received him in a figurative sense. 20 By faith Isaac blessed Jacob and Esau concerning things to come. 21 By faith Jacob, when he was dying, blessed each of the sons of Joseph, and worshiped, leaning on the top of his staff. 22 By faith Joseph, when he was dying, made mention of the departure of the children of Israel, and gave instructions concerning his bones.

The Faith of Moses

23 By faith Moses, when he was born, was hidden three months by his parents, because they saw he was a beautiful child; and they were not afraid of the king’s command. 24 By faith Moses, when he became of age, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh’s daughter, 25 choosing rather to suffer affliction with the people of God than to enjoy the passing pleasures of sin, 26 esteeming the reproach of Christ greater riches than the treasures in Egypt; for he looked to the reward. 27 By faith he forsook Egypt, not fearing the wrath of the king; for he endured as seeing Him who is invisible. 28 By faith he kept the Passover and the sprinkling of blood, lest he who destroyed the firstborn should touch them. 29 By faith they passed through the Red Sea as by dry land, whereas the Egyptians, attempting to do so, were drowned.

By Faith They Overcame

30 By faith the walls of Jericho fell down after they were encircled for seven days. 31 By faith the harlot Rahab did not perish with those who did not believe, when she had received the spies with peace. 32 And what more shall I say? For the time would fail me to tell of Gideon and Barak and Samson and Jephthah, also of David and Samuel and the prophets: 33 who through faith subdued kingdoms, worked righteousness, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions, 34 quenched the violence of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, out of weakness were made strong, became valiant in battle, turned to flight the armies of the aliens. 35 Women received their dead raised to life again. Others were tortured, not accepting deliverance, that they might obtain a better resurrection. 36 Still others had trial of mockings and scourgings, yes, and of chains and imprisonment. 37 They were stoned, they were sawn in two, were tempted, were slain with the sword. They wandered about in sheepskins and goatskins, being destitute, afflicted, tormented— 38 of whom the world was not worthy. They wandered in deserts and mountains, in dens and caves of the earth. 39 And all these, having obtained a good testimony through faith, did not receive the promise, 40 God having provided something better for us, that they should not be made perfect apart from us.

Hebrews 11

Testimony Friday

Two weeks I ago I posted about waiting. I was in a place of waiting. Not so much for some thing, but for a heart change and an attitude adjustment that I desperately needed. I had let the pressures of life build up and lost sight of some truths. This was something I had been trying for months to rectify in my own strength, but to no avail.

My waiting post was an act of surrender. It was a confession to my Lord that I needed Him to do the work in me that I couldn't do myself. He alone could be the transformer of this wicked heart of mine. And do you know what? He did it.

As I sat up late typing that night, a peace swept over my soul. No fireworks, no drama, no instant knowledge of renewal and regeneration. Just a quiet and gentle peace.

When I woke up the next morning, my heart was in a different place. The old stuff wasn't bugging me as much. The will of my flesh had subsided and my spirit was at rest. I realized that my act of surrender was more than words on a page, it had been a true transformation of my heart. God had allowed to me to come to the end of myself, and my SELF was a little more dead than she had been the day before.

All this to proclaim how perfect God's timing is. I had been carrying that big old bag of burden for far too long. I knew it and God knew it. And it was time for me to let that big old bag of burden go. I didn't know that, but God did.

You see, the following afternoon Steve gave me the unexpected news that he will soon be laid off. This month or next, we're not sure, but it's coming. It was a shock. He had been guaranteed work at least through November, so although we knew there was a potential end in sight, it was far enough down the road that we weren't especially concerned.

Well, things change. And that changed.

But it's okay. It really is. And we're okay. There is peace in this house about it. There is peace in our hearts. Oh yes, from time to time we pick up the worry and we begin to fret and stew, but then we remember it really won't help anything and we pray.

We know who our Provider is. So this isn't a bad thing. In fact, we're rather excited to see what God is going to do.

My testimony, however, is this: God dealt with my heart on issues completely unrelated to Steve's job in His perfect timing. He heard the cry of my waiting lamentation and took care of that thing, because only He knew that come tomorrow I was going to have a new thing to give Him. And because He had just proven Himself in that thing, giving Him the new thing wasn't so difficult.

Instead of killing me, it strengthened me. He freed me up and gave me the portion I needed in His amazingly perfect, incredible timing.

And that is the power and love and grace and mercy of our God. He will not give us more than we can bear. His word says it. He is faithful to prove it.

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Matthew 11:28-30

Cast your burden on the LORD, and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.

Psalm 55:22

My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

James 1:2-8

Smiles

Lydia is smiling a lot. We can just look at her or say her name and her whole face lights up. She has been a difficult baby to please, so seeing her eyes and nose crinkle and her little mouth make that joyful upward turn is incredibly rewarding.

It is so fun to watch her respond to her brothers and sisters. She squeaked out a giggle yesterday and had them all laughing in hysterics. Who needs tv when you have entertainment like this?

Sigourney is especially enamored with "her" baby. She loves to hold her and give her great big bear hugs, all supervised of course (except for that time she pulled Lydia off the bed, but I digress...). Sigourney puts her face so close Lydia's that it makes her cross-eyed. She then says "yi-ya" to get the desired result and bursts into her own giggles. They do this repeatedly and I've got to tell you, it makes a mama smile too!

Lydia doesn't crawl or walk or pick things up yet. She doesn't have teeth and hasn't started on solid foods, but she's smiling. Coincidental? I don't think so. What I do think is that smiling must be pretty important to God.

He will yet fill your mouth with laughing, and your lips with rejoicing. Job 8:21

While I'm Waiting

I put this song on repeat while I was in the car today. I must have played it ten times or more. It speaks to where I am: in the midst of a valley. It also speaks to where I want to be: "mov(ing) ahead bold and confident; taking every step in obedience." Faithfully waiting.

The details and specifics are unimportant, but the pain of the valley is real. I feel dry and parched and tired. A friend of mine refers to times like these as a "crisis of belief." She defines it as believing what you believe until you don't believe it anymore. It's that simple. I believe it, I know it's true, but now I just don't know if I can keep believing it. It's too hard. It hurts too much. And doesn't God know it.

He knows the circumstances, the disappointment, the discouragement. He knows when I'm trusting Him and when I try to take matters into my own hands. I know I'll come out on the other side. God will get the victory in this area of my life, but it doesn't make the waiting any less hard.

But I am waiting. I'm expecting to get to the other side. I've tried to get there in my own strength and failed. I've seen the height and breadth of the mountains that surround and felt the consuming doubt. But I'm finally coming to the point of surrender. The surrender is leaving my will in the valley so I'm not carrying the baggage of it over the mountain. If I don't unload, it will drag me down and hold me back.

Why is surrender so difficult? I've seen God move enough mountains in my life to know that He will move this one too. It's not that I doubt Him, I just want it to look different. And I want it to be faster. And when it doesn't and isn't, I don't want to surrender.

I am so guilty of praying about something and trusting for it until I think it's been long enough. I reach the point where I think I've given God the time He needs and that should be the end of it. Then I either move on to the next thing or I take over this thing. Either way I lose.

So I have resolved to surrender. I'm turning it over. No matter how long it takes. No matter what it looks like. No matter the outcome. God will be victorious. He wants the victories in my life more than I do because the victories are what bring Him glory.

So I 'm in wait mode. And, in the past, when I've had to wait for something, my belief has become stronger. It's become deeper. It's become real. He doesn't promise it will be easy.

Steve shared some verses in Mark chapter 9 with me the other night. I've read the story many times, but this time it spoke to where I am today. It's where the man brings his demon possessed son to Jesus for healing. In verse 23, Jesus says to him, "If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes." To which the man replies, "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!" (emphasis mine). The man confessed his struggle to believe and still, Jesus healed his son.

This is so reassuring to me. God does not require that I have all my belief issues worked out, He will minister to me regardless. And He will help me in my unbelief.

So I'm waiting. And as my favorite refrain in this song states "I will serve (Him) while I'm waiting, I will worship while I'm waiting..." That seems like a pretty good place to start.

Clean Up

Christmas is over and I feel like I'm in a mess!

Yes, the house is part of it. All these new THINGS to find a place for. All the little parts and pieces to organize and put away. All the decorations that need to be boxed and stashed until next year. All the needles I'll be vacuuming from that real tree I so desperately needed. Yes, the stuff is getting to me.

But it's more than that. For some reason, Christmas does not bring out the best in me. Maybe it's memories of Christmas disappointments past or the unmet expectations of Christmas present. Maybe it's the strained family relationships that always seem to come into focus this time of year. Maybe it's thinking too much about how it should have been, but wasn't. The baking I didn't get done, the craft projects I didn't finish, and the people we didn't see. I'm not really sure. And I can analyze it to death, but it probably won't help.

The truth is that the mess is me. I can blame it on all the outside circumstances I want, but the circumstances are merely symptomatic of what's inside my heart. I choose my responses and this week they have not been pretty. I have been reacting way too much. My emotions are heightened and I'm giving them too much power.

Oh, I know what I'm supposed to do and how I'm supposed to respond. In fact, in my mind, it's all played out the "right" way. But what actually comes out of my mouth and in my attitude? That's another story! It's easy to determine in a quiet house when everyone is sleeping that it will be a lot easier at the break of day. But the stresses of life will erupt again.

The question that begs answering is: what's spilling out of my cup? If I have poured milk into my daughter's breakfast cup and it gets knocked over, the only thing that can come out of that cup is milk because that's what I put in it. What spills out is what it's filled with. Same with me.

So what's in my cup? Is it Jesus or is it me? If I'm truly filled with the Spirit of my Lord, He's the only thing that can spill out. But when I'm filled with the spirit of Sara, yuck!, it is anything but lovely.

And much too often, I am filled with myself. I am full of self-centerdness and pride. It's my way or the highway around here. And that attitude affects my household. It provokes my husband and unsettles my children. And the whole house gets to be a mess. But guess who started it? Me!

I have so much power in my home. I have the power to build it up and make it a lovely, peaceful place. Or I have the power to tear it down and make it a chaotic, emotional mess. Moment by moment. In every situation.

So as I contemplate the days to come and the new year I am soon to ring in, God is reminding me that I have a choice. I am not a victim of circumstance. I have a decision to make. I don't have to be in a mess. My house doesn't have to be in shambles. Just as I will find places for all the stuff lying around, I have a place to put my heart stuff too.

At the foot of the cross.

I just celebrated the birth of my Savior. Jesus came as a sweet little baby not to stay a baby, but to bear the ugly burden of my ugly sin on an ugly cross. It was anything but sweet. But it was loving. And it was for me.

Christmas 2008 is over, but the story isn't. There is hope for me, and I am so, so thankful.

AJ's Conscience

My dear AJ is in a new "stage." He is keenly aware of the choices he is making. Over and over again he comes to me during the day and says things like, "Mom, I bumped Sigourney when she walked by, but I asked for forgiveness," "Mom, I thought in my mind that I didn't want to clean up the playroom when you asked me to. Please forgive me for having a bad attitude," "Mom, I yelled at Avery because she made a face at me, but I shouldn't have yelled, I should have told her nicely that it hurt my feelings," or "Mom, I really wanted to hit Aiden when he took my army guy, but I didn't. Isn't that good, Mom?"

His conscience seems to be in overdrive and he is constantly confessing. At first it was really sweet and then it became redundant and then I just started to get annoyed because he was doing it so much. I have reminded him that while asking for forgiveness is crucial, he needs to think before he acts and does something he will regret. We have talked about the intentions of his heart and I told him that accidentally bumping into his sister was not sin. I've explained self-control and what it means to have a heart of true repentance. And for the most part, I think he gets it.

But he's still involving me in the process. Coming to me repeatedly and saying, "Mom, I just want to tell you this one thing..." And it seems like he's doing it a hundred times a day!

The other day he came to me when I was in the middle of doing something really important like folding laundry or doing dishes, and I was frustrated by his interruption. Again. I almost said "AJ, you don't have to tell me every single thing you do, every bad thought you have or every mistake you make." But I stopped. Thanks be to God that I stopped.

True, he doesn't need to tell me everything he does. But the principle he's practicing is right on target. And it's really big. If he's developing the habit of telling me what he's dealing with, I need to reinforce it. But I also need to redirect it. It is my responsibility to teach AJ to go to God with all the things he's bringing to me. Every single one of them. I must not help him numb his heart to conviction.

He is obviously discerning the actions and attitudes of his heart. He is coming into an understanding of motivations, manipulations, and well, SIN. Not a popular word, and certainly easy to downplay when talking about a 6 1/2 year old boy. But, he knows his heart, and he is gaining a true understanding of choosing between right and wrong. He knows when he's choosing right and he knows when he's choosing wrong. The Holy Spirit is working in AJ's life. And he wants to talk about it. To me. What an honor!

While AJ still needs to gain an understanding of grace, I have to teach him the difference between true, Godly grace and not just the grace he wants to give himself. I must help him understand that he will fail. But when he does, he has an incredible opportunity to go not only to the person he has offended, but to Almighty God, to confess and then repent and turn away from the behavior.

This needs to be more than just a "stage" that I let my son pass through. I can't think it's cute, or even bothersome, and toss it aside as an "I can't wait until he gets through this thing." This is an opportunity God is giving me as AJ's mom to teach him the basic truths of the Bible. God's plan of redemption. It's foundational and for AJ's sake I have to get it right. Soon enough, he'll pass into the next "stage" and I won't be hearing much about what's going on in his heart...

Which means it needs to be right in my own life. I need to be as aware of my sin as my son is of his so that I can provide an example of holiness. Will I fail? Absolutely. But when I do, I have to be open, humble and honest. I need to seek forgiveness where it is required, truly ask God to change my heart in the weak areas, and receive His grace in the process.

Yes, I need to teach these things to my son. But what is really happening, is that God is using my son to teach me.

If My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land. 2 Chronicles 7:14

The Puppy Parable

I was going through pictures the other day and found this one of AJ and a dog we once owned. A dog that taught me a valuable lesson...

I am not an animal person. I think they're cute when they're little, but then they grow and they're not so cute and their bad habits are not so endearing. My husband knows this about me.

Last summer, shortly after Sigourney was born, I decided we needed a puppy. Something cute and fun to help the kids learn responsibility, yada, yada, yada. Steve said what he always does, "No way." I had four kids under the age of 5, two in diapers, I didn't need the added responsibility of a dog. Besides, I was looking at little dogs and Steve likes big dogs.

I thought he was being selfish because he wanted a 'man dog', so I kept pressing. I found a breeder and then I found the 'perfect' puppy. A cute miniature poodle at a ridiculous price. Steve reminded me that the answer was 'no,' that he was saying 'no' for my own good, and that I just needed to drop it.

I'm not very good at being submissive (more on this in a future post, I'm sure). I don't take 'no' very well. I became pouty and manipulative. I even got the kids in on the act. So he caved. He loves me. He wants me to be happy, so he said, "if you really want the puppy, get the puppy."

We got the puppy. I named him Rocco. He was cute. He was fun. It was summer, and he spent time outside with the kids. They loved him. Steve even grew to tolerate him in spite of his small stature.

Then the fall came. And the rain. And the puppy was bigger and not so cute, and his behavior had become not so tolerable. I had four kids at home, two in diapers. I didn't have time for a puppy. I'd had it. I told Steve I couldn't handle it. He was mad. Now we had a whole houseful of people attached to this puppy that I had needed so desperately and I wanted to get rid of him? Yep.

We got rid of the puppy. Found him a nice home on Craig's list. An older couple who wanted a lap dog. We even got half of our money back. Steve was gracious enough to deliver Rocco to his new home.

The kids got over losing their dog. Steve still hasn't. Unfortunately, this has happened before. Her name was Stella, she lasted six weeks. I think I've learned my lesson though.

So when I ran across this picture of AJ and Rocco, God reminded me about the lesson. And then I was convicted.

Steve had told me 'no.' He knows me too well. He knew what I didn't need. He knew I had all I could handle without the dog. He wasn't being mean. He was protecting me. But I bristled my back and plowed forward. And he let me do it because he loves me.

How often do I do this with God? I want something and even when He says no, I do it anyway, thinking I know what's best. I usually consult Him, but if I don't get the answer I want, I find a way to make it happen on my own. And because He loves me, He lets me. And when I make a mess of it and finally admit I've made a mistake, He graciously bails me out, even though He knew better all along. He knows what I can handle. He won't give me more than I can bear. And if I'd just listen in the first place, I'd save myself and those around me a whole lot of trouble.

I think I'll hang this picture on the refrigerator. Not to remember Rocco, but to remember Who knows what's best for me.

Distractions

I attend a Titus 2 womens group once a month and our gifted teacher is one of the most Godly women I've ever met. The Spirit of God is evidenced in her very countenance. I am consistently inspired to be the wife and mom God wants me to be through her teaching.

Today I'm sharing a recent email she sent out on distractions. It hit me to the core. If you like what you read, you can subscribe to her email list at LettersToMySisters-subscribe@WeLoveGod.org. There is also a link to her blog on my Blog List.

"Dearest Sisters…
"I have been meaning to write to you for some time now and for whatever reason, each time I begin a letter, I’ve been distracted. I never intend to allow distractions to distract me from doing what I intend to do but distractions come and I allow them to derail me. You probably find this to be true, too. I’m thinking that’s one of the great battles we must determine to fight – or, rather, it’s one of the battles we must determine to win.

"I share this because of all the different things that vie for our attention – many times *good things* vie for our attention and yet, we must determine which distractions to stop and pay attention to and which distractions we must determine to ignore. As mothers, we need to continually assess our priorities – this is not so much so that we’ll be sure and stay on schedule so much as it is that we continually remind ourselves of what we *know* is best or most important. Different seasons allow for different things – but too often, distractions make us dissatisfied about the season we’re in and we’re tempted to run from the season to something that *seems* better.

"It seems that we sometimes live as though have forgotten what’s most important in our lives… we allow distractions to determine our thoughts and actions instead of our thoughts determining which things we’ll stop and pay attention to. In our pursuit of personal accomplishment we might neglect the very responsibilities the LORD has given us – in our pursuit of self interest, we might even be duped into thinking that our personal responsibilities are the distraction. See how our world can get turned upside down? I think this is sort of what Paul was talking about in Romans 7.19 “For the good that I would I do not…”

"It seems to all come down to that battle of the flesh… will I do what is best or what is right? Or, will I do what I seem to want to do at the time? So often we don’t stop and ask those questions… we’re often deep into a “distraction” before we stop and ask ourselves (and with a willingness to stop if need be) the questions.

"Have you written out your priorities lately? I have found a helpful thing to do is to write out all that I ought to be doing each day and then in the next column, write out all that I *am* doing each day. It’s a sometimes painfully obvious picture that I’m not doing what I ought to be doing – a sobering reality that my priorities have shifted and I’ve allowed distractions to determine my actions. I see the damage my distractedness has done – because what should have been done hasn’t been done and what shouldn’t have been done (at the time) has gobbled up my time, energy and resources. Every now and then I need this “wake-up” call to remind me that time’s short and I need to be about the business at hand.

"When priorities are straight, then when *interruptions* come along, we can answer the interruption and then go back to where we’re needed – that place or those things that we have predetermined to attend to. But if we live *distracted* then it’s quite difficult to even find where we ought to be because we’ve allowed distractions to be the rule of the day.

"I pray the LORD will bless you in these days in your home that you will be delighting in the marvelous gift of the life the LORD has prepared especially for you to live.

"God bless you… I’ll write again soon.

"love, pamela"

That Voice

I once heard the Holy Spirit explained this way: He speaks to all who call the Lord 'Lord.' But sometimes we ignore Him so often and become so accustomed to tuning Him out that our hearts are hardened and we don't hear Him anymore. Not because He has stopped speaking, but because we have stopped listening.

This has caused me to pause many times when I've heard that still small voice and redirect an action, an attitude or a behavior. I don't want to grow hard. I don't want to stop hearing.

Yesterday was my uncle's birthday. The kids and I were making Christmas crafts after lunch when I remembered. I'm not very good at remembering birthdays, but would like to be better. So I had a fleeting thought that maybe we should call and sing to him. The next thought was how ridiculous that would be.

I don't think I've ever wished my uncle a happy birthday. I've certainly never called him to sing happy birthday. At least not in my adult life. I'd classify our relationship as comfortable and familiar, but not close. I feared that if we called, he'd probably just think we were being goofy. I didn't want to bother him.

But then I heard that small voice that said, "what if I'm supposed to call him." So I prepped the kids and picked up the phone. We were greeted by the recording. Whew! We sang our song to the machine, I bumbled through a "happy birthday, we were just thinking of you" speech, and hung up. Deed done. If he thought we were silly, at least I'd never know it.

A couple hours later, our phone rang. "Hey, this is Uncle Rick. I just wanted to say thanks for calling. You made my day. Tell those kids of yours thanks, too." A few more pleasantries and the call was over, but I could hear in his voice that he was genuinely touched.

Wow! I was supposed to call. My uncle even called back to confirm it. He didn't have to, he could have just smiled and gone on with his evening and that would have been the end of it. But I think God wanted to show me, as He does so many times, that there is great value in listening to that still small voice of the Spirit. It aligns us with His purpose and His plan. And even when I think it's just me having a thought or idea, more often it's not. It's Him.

I don't know what the eternal ramifications of our happy birthday chorus will be. My uncle isn't saved and maybe it was a seed sown, but even if it wasn't, it was a valuable reminder to stop and listen and then do. Even if it's just to keep my own heart soft.