A Tribute

Two years ago today, our dear friend Mark Panzanella was ushered through the gates of heaven and into the arms of Jesus. Here on earth, he left behind his wonderful wife Nicole, and his two young daughters, Francesca and Gianna, who are now 8 and 6 years old. My heart goes out to Nicole and the girls in a special way today, so I'm dedicating this post to them and to Mark's memory.

Mark was radical. Nothing Mark did was "the norm." He laughed loud, loved hard, and served Jesus with an all or nothing spirit.

Hailing from Ohio, Mark was an avid Cleveland Browns and Indians fan. He and Steve spent many hours sharing their love of sports and razzing each other about who claimed the better team.

Mark loved being Italian. As couples we'd sit out on their back porch on the weekends eating the great food that Mark loved to prepare, listening to funky Italian music. One of our favorite songs was That's Amore. Mark is still the first person I think of when I hear it.

Mark gave the greatest whole-hearted, squeeze-you-to-death hugs on the face of the planet.

Mark stood up for us at our wedding and believed in our relationship when we were hearing from a lot of naysayers. He saw a God connection that didn't necessarily make sense and encouraged us to look to Him rather than for the approval of man.

Mark had a heart to worship God. He would play for hours on Sundays (and Thursdays and Fridays and Saturdays...) and seemingly never tire. He was a true 'Nagan' worshipper. We still love watching some of our old Church of the Hills videos and catching a glimpse of Mark on the keyboard. He had a gift for music that he gave back to the Lord by using it to honor and glorify Him.

Mark always, always, always kept his eyes on the Lord and drew his strength from Him. He and Steve were the key players in the video ministry at our church. For Steve, it was mostly a hobby. It was Mark's profession and livelihood. He didn't get paid enough and could have made a lot more money somewhere else, but he wouldn't think about it. He wasn't doing it for a particular church or for public acclaim, he was doing it for the Lord. He believed he was exactly where God wanted him to be and nothing else mattered. He knew God was his provider and Mark placed a much higher priority on living in the will of God than having a fat bank account.

I asked Steve this morning if he wanted to contribute any thoughts to this post. He said "Mark loved the Lord with all his heart. He was one of the most committed men I have ever met. And I am better for having known him. He is in heaven, side by side with his Savior and I know I'll see him again. That about sums it up. That's all that matters."

So Nicole, we love you. We know that this day is hardest on you as you remember all that you have lost here on earth. May your memories of Mark be sweet and may you feel the arms of Jesus around you in a profound way. May God give you the strength you need to raise your girls to be as committed to Him as their daddy was. May He provide for your every need in such a way that you can truly rest in Him.

Francesca and Gianna, be assured that your daddy is waiting for you in heaven. I see so much of him in both of you. In your broad smiles and the sparkle in your eyes. More than anything else, the legacy your dad would want you to carry on would be in your love for Jesus Christ. May God show Himself to you in such a real way that as you mature you become as sold-out and radical as your daddy was.

In our carnal minds, it's hard to understand why God chose to take Mark at such a young age. I can only imagine that God was so pleased with him that He wanted him in heaven more than we needed him here. I can almost picture Mark sitting at the feet of Jesus worshiping and praising Him...and asking that He would please give the Cleveland Indians a better season than the Browns had!

Looking Toward 2009

The snow has mostly melted, the Christmas decorations are mostly put away and it's on to the next thing, so I'm contemplating my New Years' resolutions.

I heard the challenge across the radio yesterday: "What will your resolution be? To lose weight? To live a healthier lifestyle? To clean out the closet you haven't seen the back of in months?" etc. etc...

Somehow those suggestions just seemed so shallow. So inadequate and insignificant. So focused on ME. So I began to think about what my list would -- or should -- look like. What God would want my resolutions -- or life changes -- to look like. After all, He is the One who gave me life and it is His purposes I should be living out. My weight and the closets are not things He is especially concerned about.

Here's Phase 1 of my list:

Sara's 2008 Resolutions

1. To spend more time with God every day; to hear from Him and to respond accordingly. And to teach my children to do the same.
2. To respect my husband more. To focus on him and his needs; to spend time figuring out what makes him tick and to honor him the way he needs to be honored.
3. To connect with my kids in ways that let them know I am for them and that I really do love them. To invest energy in letting them know that I am on their side, and that they are among the greatest gifts God has given me. To reinforce by my attitude and actions that they are not a burden or a chore, but that they are my blessings!
4. To let go of my need to be right. To drop the issues that are unimportant, and to seek righteousness rather than rightness. After all, what glory is there in being right anyway?
5. To be better at letting go of the distractions that keep me from doing the really important stuff (like working on #s 1-4).

And then, once I've conquered some of these, maybe I'll spend a little time working on my weight and the closets that are calling my name...

Clean Up

Christmas is over and I feel like I'm in a mess!

Yes, the house is part of it. All these new THINGS to find a place for. All the little parts and pieces to organize and put away. All the decorations that need to be boxed and stashed until next year. All the needles I'll be vacuuming from that real tree I so desperately needed. Yes, the stuff is getting to me.

But it's more than that. For some reason, Christmas does not bring out the best in me. Maybe it's memories of Christmas disappointments past or the unmet expectations of Christmas present. Maybe it's the strained family relationships that always seem to come into focus this time of year. Maybe it's thinking too much about how it should have been, but wasn't. The baking I didn't get done, the craft projects I didn't finish, and the people we didn't see. I'm not really sure. And I can analyze it to death, but it probably won't help.

The truth is that the mess is me. I can blame it on all the outside circumstances I want, but the circumstances are merely symptomatic of what's inside my heart. I choose my responses and this week they have not been pretty. I have been reacting way too much. My emotions are heightened and I'm giving them too much power.

Oh, I know what I'm supposed to do and how I'm supposed to respond. In fact, in my mind, it's all played out the "right" way. But what actually comes out of my mouth and in my attitude? That's another story! It's easy to determine in a quiet house when everyone is sleeping that it will be a lot easier at the break of day. But the stresses of life will erupt again.

The question that begs answering is: what's spilling out of my cup? If I have poured milk into my daughter's breakfast cup and it gets knocked over, the only thing that can come out of that cup is milk because that's what I put in it. What spills out is what it's filled with. Same with me.

So what's in my cup? Is it Jesus or is it me? If I'm truly filled with the Spirit of my Lord, He's the only thing that can spill out. But when I'm filled with the spirit of Sara, yuck!, it is anything but lovely.

And much too often, I am filled with myself. I am full of self-centerdness and pride. It's my way or the highway around here. And that attitude affects my household. It provokes my husband and unsettles my children. And the whole house gets to be a mess. But guess who started it? Me!

I have so much power in my home. I have the power to build it up and make it a lovely, peaceful place. Or I have the power to tear it down and make it a chaotic, emotional mess. Moment by moment. In every situation.

So as I contemplate the days to come and the new year I am soon to ring in, God is reminding me that I have a choice. I am not a victim of circumstance. I have a decision to make. I don't have to be in a mess. My house doesn't have to be in shambles. Just as I will find places for all the stuff lying around, I have a place to put my heart stuff too.

At the foot of the cross.

I just celebrated the birth of my Savior. Jesus came as a sweet little baby not to stay a baby, but to bear the ugly burden of my ugly sin on an ugly cross. It was anything but sweet. But it was loving. And it was for me.

Christmas 2008 is over, but the story isn't. There is hope for me, and I am so, so thankful.

AJ's Conscience

My dear AJ is in a new "stage." He is keenly aware of the choices he is making. Over and over again he comes to me during the day and says things like, "Mom, I bumped Sigourney when she walked by, but I asked for forgiveness," "Mom, I thought in my mind that I didn't want to clean up the playroom when you asked me to. Please forgive me for having a bad attitude," "Mom, I yelled at Avery because she made a face at me, but I shouldn't have yelled, I should have told her nicely that it hurt my feelings," or "Mom, I really wanted to hit Aiden when he took my army guy, but I didn't. Isn't that good, Mom?"

His conscience seems to be in overdrive and he is constantly confessing. At first it was really sweet and then it became redundant and then I just started to get annoyed because he was doing it so much. I have reminded him that while asking for forgiveness is crucial, he needs to think before he acts and does something he will regret. We have talked about the intentions of his heart and I told him that accidentally bumping into his sister was not sin. I've explained self-control and what it means to have a heart of true repentance. And for the most part, I think he gets it.

But he's still involving me in the process. Coming to me repeatedly and saying, "Mom, I just want to tell you this one thing..." And it seems like he's doing it a hundred times a day!

The other day he came to me when I was in the middle of doing something really important like folding laundry or doing dishes, and I was frustrated by his interruption. Again. I almost said "AJ, you don't have to tell me every single thing you do, every bad thought you have or every mistake you make." But I stopped. Thanks be to God that I stopped.

True, he doesn't need to tell me everything he does. But the principle he's practicing is right on target. And it's really big. If he's developing the habit of telling me what he's dealing with, I need to reinforce it. But I also need to redirect it. It is my responsibility to teach AJ to go to God with all the things he's bringing to me. Every single one of them. I must not help him numb his heart to conviction.

He is obviously discerning the actions and attitudes of his heart. He is coming into an understanding of motivations, manipulations, and well, SIN. Not a popular word, and certainly easy to downplay when talking about a 6 1/2 year old boy. But, he knows his heart, and he is gaining a true understanding of choosing between right and wrong. He knows when he's choosing right and he knows when he's choosing wrong. The Holy Spirit is working in AJ's life. And he wants to talk about it. To me. What an honor!

While AJ still needs to gain an understanding of grace, I have to teach him the difference between true, Godly grace and not just the grace he wants to give himself. I must help him understand that he will fail. But when he does, he has an incredible opportunity to go not only to the person he has offended, but to Almighty God, to confess and then repent and turn away from the behavior.

This needs to be more than just a "stage" that I let my son pass through. I can't think it's cute, or even bothersome, and toss it aside as an "I can't wait until he gets through this thing." This is an opportunity God is giving me as AJ's mom to teach him the basic truths of the Bible. God's plan of redemption. It's foundational and for AJ's sake I have to get it right. Soon enough, he'll pass into the next "stage" and I won't be hearing much about what's going on in his heart...

Which means it needs to be right in my own life. I need to be as aware of my sin as my son is of his so that I can provide an example of holiness. Will I fail? Absolutely. But when I do, I have to be open, humble and honest. I need to seek forgiveness where it is required, truly ask God to change my heart in the weak areas, and receive His grace in the process.

Yes, I need to teach these things to my son. But what is really happening, is that God is using my son to teach me.

If My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land. 2 Chronicles 7:14

Fun Mom

It's another snowy day in the Puget Sound. We have about 5 inches now and it's still coming down! They're predicting it might even last through Christmas! The kids are in heaven during the day and they've been sleeping well at night...

Days like these help me realize what's really important. I have so many "to dos" on my list. Christmas is a week away and I'm not nearly as ready as I think I should be. I have cards to finish, baking to do, presents to wrap, menus to plan and last-minute errands to run. Not to mention the laundry that needs to be folded, the bathrooms that need to be cleaned and the carpets that need vacuuming.

But it will all have to wait. Today I'm going to take my children outside, rather than just sending them out on their own. We're going to sled down the hill a hundred times, attempt to build a snowman as well as Dad can, invite the neighbor kids in for some cocoa and forget about the floor that needs to be mopped when we come inside.

Then we're going to put the coats in the dryer and do it all again.

It's going to be a "fun mom" day. We don't have enough of those around here, so I'm off to bundle up...

Kid Funny

As the eldest sister of the bunch, Avery takes her responsibility very seriously:

"Mom, I couldn't find Lydia's boppy (pacifier), so I gave her my nose!"

Snow Day

It's a winter wonderland here in the Pacific Northwest! We woke up yesterday morning to a few inches of snow and frigid temperatures. The kids gobbled up their breakfast and headed outside. They have learned from seasons past that if they don't get out there quick it could melt before their eyes! The weatherman (or is it weatherperson?!) predicts continued cold and more snow later in the week. We hope so!

That's Sigourney in there somewhere!

Avery and her best friend Anna

The roads were clear enough that we were able to continue with our plans for our annual Christmas trip to Seattle with my family. We waited 3 hours in line for a picture with Santa...

And the boys were able to make their requests (although Avery asked why we even go see Santa "since you're the one who brings our presents anyway, we can just ask you.")...
My sisters and I have been doing this for 35 years. For some reason, my mother thinks it's still necessary...enough already!

We always follow up with a ride on the carousel, but Aiden DID NOT want to go on a horse. He asked to sit with Lydia on the bench!

Quote of the Week

Our anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, but only empties today of its strength.

Charles Spurgeon

Who Do I Look Like?

With a new baby in the house, we've been making a lot of "I see you in her eyes," and "Oh, that expression looks like so-and-so" observations. Lydia is transforming before our eyes. Each day her appearance is becoming more and more defined. We're excited to see what the end result will be.

All of our children look like Sommas. Some look more like Steve, some look more like me and a couple are perfect combos. But there are qualities and characteristics in each of them that tie them to our family. That make it clear that Steve and I are their parents.

Ultimately our prayer is that they resemble their Heavenly Father most of all. That people will see Jesus in our children, and not just when they are children, but for their whole lives. That they will have hearts of compassion, that they will stand for truth and righteousness, and that their words, attitudes and actions will direct others into relationship with Him.

Although I know God is Sovereign, I also know that much of this responsibility lies with Steve and I. God gave our children to us so that we would show them who He is.

What do my children see when they look at me? They certainly know my faults and my failures better than most, but when I make mistakes what do I do about it? Do they see me repent and ask for forgiveness? Or do I get away with bad attitudes and sometimes even bad behavior that I would never allow from them because I'm the mommy?

I cannot live a life of hypocrisy. My actions and behaviors must reflect Jesus to them. What I expect of them, I must also expect of myself. I am the example God gave them to follow. If I expect kind words from them, I must speak kindness. If I expect self control from them, I must be self-controlled. If I expect selflessness from them, I must be selfless. And on and on and on.

So often I find myself frustrated by my children's behavior and then realize they're acting just like me! It's too easy to get complacent at home. I get tired, let my hair down and it all hangs out. Sometimes it is not pretty. But home is where I need to be most on top of my game. I have lots of little eyes watching me. I have lots of little people acting like me. I have lots of little hearts mimicking mine.

When my children look at me, I long for them to say, "My mommy has Jesus' eyes. My mommy has Jesus' heart. My mommy loves me like she says Jesus loves me." Each and every day I want the qualities and characteristics in my life to look more like my Heavenly Father, so that my children too, will look more like Him.

Sigourney

Sigourney had her 18 month well-child check yesterday. Yes, we are a couple of months behind, but I was delivering a baby on her 18 month birthday!

This picture of her was taken just a few days after she turned one as she was getting ready to check out of Children's Hospital following her first grand mal seizure.

What began as a fun evening roasting marshmallows on the back patio changed so quickly. Her breathing became short and halting and we thought she had smoke inhalation. When she became unresponsive we called the paramedics. They thought maybe she was choking and were going to "run her up" to the ER to clear her airway and get her taken care of.

No sooner had they pulled out of our development when she started seizing in Steve's arms. The EMT's gave her an IV and tried to clear "the blockage" with a metal wire and she didn't even flinch. Steve said he thought he was losing her. When I arrived at the hospital an hour later, I immediately knew what room she was in. Almost the entire ER staff was in her room or standing outside of it; the paramedics were still there, looking grim.

I walked in and saw her lying spread eagle on the table, tubes everywhere, doctors on all sides. I thought she was gone. The doctors couldn't get the seizures to stop. For two and a half hours, they administered medication after medication and nothing worked. She wouldn't breathe on her own. Airlift was summoned to transport her to Children's, but she wasn't even stable enough for transfer. Later we would sign a release form and put her on the helicopter without us.

As we made the trip south to Children's by car, God spoke to my heart: "If I take her, will you love Me still?" Gulp. "Yes, Lord, but oh..."

Once at Children's, she stabilized in ICU and the seizures stopped. Tests were run, neurologists shook their heads, and we were sent home a few days later with medication "in case" it happened again. It did. Three weeks later. Ambulances, hospitals, tests all over again. But still we were given no answers.

God led us to an amazing child neurologist with a year long waiting list. Through a friend's connection, and after hearing Sigourney's story, he made an exception and agreed to see her immediately. She was diagnosed with epilepsy and began anti-seizure medication therapy. She still has occasional break through seizures, but nothing like the traumatic grand mals she experienced last spring.

At her check up yesterday, she was declared "perfect." This is especially significant given the fact that seizures lasting more than 45 minutes often result in brain damage, but Sigourney shows no signs of this. The side effects of her medications can also cause delayed physical growth -- Sigourney is in the 100th percentile for height and weight, the exact opposite! She is also developing on target behaviorally and socially. We are so encouraged!

Sigourney's name means "Victorious Conqueror." God has definitely shown this true in her life. We are excited to see His plan for her unfold. In the meantime, we just love to see her smile!

The Puppy Parable

I was going through pictures the other day and found this one of AJ and a dog we once owned. A dog that taught me a valuable lesson...

I am not an animal person. I think they're cute when they're little, but then they grow and they're not so cute and their bad habits are not so endearing. My husband knows this about me.

Last summer, shortly after Sigourney was born, I decided we needed a puppy. Something cute and fun to help the kids learn responsibility, yada, yada, yada. Steve said what he always does, "No way." I had four kids under the age of 5, two in diapers, I didn't need the added responsibility of a dog. Besides, I was looking at little dogs and Steve likes big dogs.

I thought he was being selfish because he wanted a 'man dog', so I kept pressing. I found a breeder and then I found the 'perfect' puppy. A cute miniature poodle at a ridiculous price. Steve reminded me that the answer was 'no,' that he was saying 'no' for my own good, and that I just needed to drop it.

I'm not very good at being submissive (more on this in a future post, I'm sure). I don't take 'no' very well. I became pouty and manipulative. I even got the kids in on the act. So he caved. He loves me. He wants me to be happy, so he said, "if you really want the puppy, get the puppy."

We got the puppy. I named him Rocco. He was cute. He was fun. It was summer, and he spent time outside with the kids. They loved him. Steve even grew to tolerate him in spite of his small stature.

Then the fall came. And the rain. And the puppy was bigger and not so cute, and his behavior had become not so tolerable. I had four kids at home, two in diapers. I didn't have time for a puppy. I'd had it. I told Steve I couldn't handle it. He was mad. Now we had a whole houseful of people attached to this puppy that I had needed so desperately and I wanted to get rid of him? Yep.

We got rid of the puppy. Found him a nice home on Craig's list. An older couple who wanted a lap dog. We even got half of our money back. Steve was gracious enough to deliver Rocco to his new home.

The kids got over losing their dog. Steve still hasn't. Unfortunately, this has happened before. Her name was Stella, she lasted six weeks. I think I've learned my lesson though.

So when I ran across this picture of AJ and Rocco, God reminded me about the lesson. And then I was convicted.

Steve had told me 'no.' He knows me too well. He knew what I didn't need. He knew I had all I could handle without the dog. He wasn't being mean. He was protecting me. But I bristled my back and plowed forward. And he let me do it because he loves me.

How often do I do this with God? I want something and even when He says no, I do it anyway, thinking I know what's best. I usually consult Him, but if I don't get the answer I want, I find a way to make it happen on my own. And because He loves me, He lets me. And when I make a mess of it and finally admit I've made a mistake, He graciously bails me out, even though He knew better all along. He knows what I can handle. He won't give me more than I can bear. And if I'd just listen in the first place, I'd save myself and those around me a whole lot of trouble.

I think I'll hang this picture on the refrigerator. Not to remember Rocco, but to remember Who knows what's best for me.

Distractions

I attend a Titus 2 womens group once a month and our gifted teacher is one of the most Godly women I've ever met. The Spirit of God is evidenced in her very countenance. I am consistently inspired to be the wife and mom God wants me to be through her teaching.

Today I'm sharing a recent email she sent out on distractions. It hit me to the core. If you like what you read, you can subscribe to her email list at LettersToMySisters-subscribe@WeLoveGod.org. There is also a link to her blog on my Blog List.

"Dearest Sisters…
"I have been meaning to write to you for some time now and for whatever reason, each time I begin a letter, I’ve been distracted. I never intend to allow distractions to distract me from doing what I intend to do but distractions come and I allow them to derail me. You probably find this to be true, too. I’m thinking that’s one of the great battles we must determine to fight – or, rather, it’s one of the battles we must determine to win.

"I share this because of all the different things that vie for our attention – many times *good things* vie for our attention and yet, we must determine which distractions to stop and pay attention to and which distractions we must determine to ignore. As mothers, we need to continually assess our priorities – this is not so much so that we’ll be sure and stay on schedule so much as it is that we continually remind ourselves of what we *know* is best or most important. Different seasons allow for different things – but too often, distractions make us dissatisfied about the season we’re in and we’re tempted to run from the season to something that *seems* better.

"It seems that we sometimes live as though have forgotten what’s most important in our lives… we allow distractions to determine our thoughts and actions instead of our thoughts determining which things we’ll stop and pay attention to. In our pursuit of personal accomplishment we might neglect the very responsibilities the LORD has given us – in our pursuit of self interest, we might even be duped into thinking that our personal responsibilities are the distraction. See how our world can get turned upside down? I think this is sort of what Paul was talking about in Romans 7.19 “For the good that I would I do not…”

"It seems to all come down to that battle of the flesh… will I do what is best or what is right? Or, will I do what I seem to want to do at the time? So often we don’t stop and ask those questions… we’re often deep into a “distraction” before we stop and ask ourselves (and with a willingness to stop if need be) the questions.

"Have you written out your priorities lately? I have found a helpful thing to do is to write out all that I ought to be doing each day and then in the next column, write out all that I *am* doing each day. It’s a sometimes painfully obvious picture that I’m not doing what I ought to be doing – a sobering reality that my priorities have shifted and I’ve allowed distractions to determine my actions. I see the damage my distractedness has done – because what should have been done hasn’t been done and what shouldn’t have been done (at the time) has gobbled up my time, energy and resources. Every now and then I need this “wake-up” call to remind me that time’s short and I need to be about the business at hand.

"When priorities are straight, then when *interruptions* come along, we can answer the interruption and then go back to where we’re needed – that place or those things that we have predetermined to attend to. But if we live *distracted* then it’s quite difficult to even find where we ought to be because we’ve allowed distractions to be the rule of the day.

"I pray the LORD will bless you in these days in your home that you will be delighting in the marvelous gift of the life the LORD has prepared especially for you to live.

"God bless you… I’ll write again soon.

"love, pamela"

Tag!

Okay, a friend of mine sent me this cute little quiz. So today I'm answering the questions and tagging a few of my blogging friends at the bottom! Enjoy!

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Paper. It's one of my favorite things about Christmas gifting...to sit up late at night in a quiet house, lights on the tree, watching a Christmas movie, wrapping presents.

2. Real tree or Artificial? Real. I grew up in "the Evergreen State" -- there's no other way, even though I'm vacuuming up needles for the entire month of December!

3. When do you put up the tree? Thanksgiving weekend.

4. When do you take the tree down? The day after Christmas...I'm always anxious to get my house back to normal.

5. Do you like eggnog? Mmmmm...

6. Favorite gift received as a child? My pink banana seat bike...I had to "treasure hunt" for it.

7. Hardest person to buy for? My dad.

8. Easiest person to buy for? AJ. He gathers catalogs when they come in the mail and circles his preferences.

9. Do You have a nativity scene? Six of them! But my favorite is the Italian one my grandmother displayed on top of her breakfront every year. After she passed it was given to me. I even kept the pink(!) light she had in the stable.

10.Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail, but always at the last minute.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Can't think of one.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? It's A Wonderful Life.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? I pick things up all year long but hit it hard the first of December.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Yes -- we do a white elephant exchange with my mom's family every year...all the rejects go there.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Lefse and Rosettes.

16. Lights on the tree? 2400 this year!

17. Favorite Christmas song? Mary Did You Know (the Michael English version), Breath of Heaven.

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Stay home!

19. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Christmas morning.

20. Favorite Christmas Memory? My first Christmas married to Steve. We did Christmas Eve with his family and then took Christmas Day by ourselves. We ate at the River Cafe on the Brooklyn Promenade, then hit The Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular and ice skated in Rockefeller Center. It was the best!!!

Tag...Lori. Just copy and paste the questions into your post and change the answers, of course!

Kid Funny

Avery and Aiden on worms:

Aiden (with stick in hand and deep two year old voice): "I'm gonna kill this guy."

Avery (who is digging a nice hole and using a roof shingle for 'carpet'): "No Aiden, don't! They want to be friends and play together."

Quote of the Week

Much of our difficulty as seeking Christians stems from our unwillingness to take God as He is and adjust our lives accordingly. We insist upon trying to modify Him and bring Him nearer to our own image.

A.W. Tozier

That Voice

I once heard the Holy Spirit explained this way: He speaks to all who call the Lord 'Lord.' But sometimes we ignore Him so often and become so accustomed to tuning Him out that our hearts are hardened and we don't hear Him anymore. Not because He has stopped speaking, but because we have stopped listening.

This has caused me to pause many times when I've heard that still small voice and redirect an action, an attitude or a behavior. I don't want to grow hard. I don't want to stop hearing.

Yesterday was my uncle's birthday. The kids and I were making Christmas crafts after lunch when I remembered. I'm not very good at remembering birthdays, but would like to be better. So I had a fleeting thought that maybe we should call and sing to him. The next thought was how ridiculous that would be.

I don't think I've ever wished my uncle a happy birthday. I've certainly never called him to sing happy birthday. At least not in my adult life. I'd classify our relationship as comfortable and familiar, but not close. I feared that if we called, he'd probably just think we were being goofy. I didn't want to bother him.

But then I heard that small voice that said, "what if I'm supposed to call him." So I prepped the kids and picked up the phone. We were greeted by the recording. Whew! We sang our song to the machine, I bumbled through a "happy birthday, we were just thinking of you" speech, and hung up. Deed done. If he thought we were silly, at least I'd never know it.

A couple hours later, our phone rang. "Hey, this is Uncle Rick. I just wanted to say thanks for calling. You made my day. Tell those kids of yours thanks, too." A few more pleasantries and the call was over, but I could hear in his voice that he was genuinely touched.

Wow! I was supposed to call. My uncle even called back to confirm it. He didn't have to, he could have just smiled and gone on with his evening and that would have been the end of it. But I think God wanted to show me, as He does so many times, that there is great value in listening to that still small voice of the Spirit. It aligns us with His purpose and His plan. And even when I think it's just me having a thought or idea, more often it's not. It's Him.

I don't know what the eternal ramifications of our happy birthday chorus will be. My uncle isn't saved and maybe it was a seed sown, but even if it wasn't, it was a valuable reminder to stop and listen and then do. Even if it's just to keep my own heart soft.

Still Exercising Thankfulness

I'm still trying to walk in Thankfulness this week. I wasn't blogging last week, so I didn't have a chance to share what I'm so incredibly thankful for this year.

1. I'm thankful for a God who loves me. Even when I'm unlovable. Even when I'm struggling to trust Him. Even when I fail to bring glory to His name. He still loves me.

2. I'm thankful for a husband who is a Mighty Man of God. The testimony of his life is truly a reflection of the power God has to take a broken vessel and make it whole. The choice he made to surrender and relinquish control. To receive the love and life God had waiting for him. It is reflected in the love he lavishes on me, the dedication he shows in raising our children, and the sparkle in his eyes.

3. I'm thankful for five beautiful children. God has truly blessed me. Their individuality, their unity, their joy, their tender hearts. They remind me each and every day that God alone is able to supply what I need to be their mom. Their simple, yet profound view of God exemplifies why Jesus said "let the children come." They really get it. I need a heart like that.

4. I'm thankful that God has done miracles for our family. Real miracles.

In my marriage. Those dreadful days when I didn't know if we'd make it, He gave me hope in a hopeless place and He turned things around. Truly beauty for ashes. It would have been 'easy' to walk away, but oh, what we would have missed.

In my children: The doctors told us Avery would always be sick, she wouldn't be able to do the things normal kids do. God healed her. He turned those blood tests around. She's joyful and energetic; she's healthy!

All those ultrasounds with Aiden. The worry, the fear, the unknown. Would he make it? That boy came out screaming! There was oxygen in his lungs! A gifted team of medical doctors and, this past summer, a clean bill of health. Most of the time I wish he wouldn't scream so much, but I'm so thankful he can!

Sigourney's seizures. The trauma of watching a child struggle with breath. I will never forget the sight of her limp body, her blue lips, her erratic movements. The medication wouldn't work. We had to release her to the airlift team and let her go. I thought God was going to take her. Today, she's mimicking the sounds of her siblings, she's running around trying to keep up with them, she makes us all stop and laugh!!!

I'm so guilty of taking life for granted. Of taking God for granted. I have so much to be thankful for. Oh, it may not be a big showy house, an enviable wardrobe, a fancy car, or public acclaim. But I have what's really important: life, love, and eternal security.

My thankfulness needs to be more than just talk. It needs to radiate from the abundance in my heart. It needs to be so deep and so real that I don't forget about it when life gets hard. I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it. I'm praying for it. And it will come.

Duck Eggs

So we found out a few months ago that Sigourney is allergic to eggs and gluten intolerant.

Initially, I figured we'd just make the changes in her diet, but have since concluded that it's easier and healthier when we're all eating the same thing. The gluten-free part has been relatively simple, albeit a bit expensive. There are lots of decent substitutes for flour, pastas, breads, crackers, cereals, etc. But what to do about eggs?

A friend suggested duck eggs. At first, I shuddered at the thought and decided we'd just do without. However, I quickly realized that I was making life very difficult for myself.

And wouldn't you know, a friend of a friend's here on the Island has ducks. And they lay eggs. Even in the winter. And she sells them. In fact, she has a hard time getting rid of them (can't imagine why!). So they're only $3 a dozen. Manna from heaven!

We got our first dozen yesterday. They're about 50% larger than chicken eggs. The shell is white, but more transparent. They're hard to break! I've heard they're fluffier and better for baking, but the texture is more rubbery when eaten plain.

So I took the plunge. This morning, we had our first scrambled duck eggs. I wasn't going to tell the kids. And I just used a couple, so I didn't have to throw them all in the trash if they were a reject. But AJ doesn't miss a thing: "Mom, are those the duck eggs Isaac dropped off yesterday?" Busted. Now they all know they're eating duck eggs! I smiled and proceeded to tell them that God made all eggs and really, how different could these be than chicken eggs? I held my breath as they took their first bites.

Nervously, I posed the dreaded question: "So what do you think?"

"They don't taste any different," "They're yummy," "Mo,"(That's Sig speak for 'more'). Aahhhhh...relief. In fact, they even asked for seconds and I had to scramble up another few eggs!

A Christmas Question

The Christmas tree is up, the manger scene is on display, the 25 day countdown paper chains have been constructed, the chocolates in the advent calendars are being consumed...We're in full Christmas swing around here.

I've never had a problem with the fun parts of Christmas. I grew up visiting Santa and always got at least one gift I'd been coveting. But now that I'm setting the expectation for and concerned about the hearts of my own kids, my question is this: Is it possible to buy into the commercialism of Christmas and still get the real message -- the BIG message -- across?

Oh sure, they know it's Jesus' birthday (we even bake a cake!). But do they really get it? When we talk about Christmas and what they're looking forward to Jesus makes the list, but their real excitement lies around the gifts and the tree and the lights.

Seems pretty sad when we're talking about the Saviour of the world. The Mighty God. The Prince of Peace. He just kind of gets lost in the hulabaloo. Makes me think we should skip the hulabaloo and focus on the King. Really focus on Him. I mean unadulterated, completely saturated in, undivided attention on, focus.

Culturally impossible, I know. We don't live in a bubble. They'd be social outcasts! They'd be deprived! They'd grow bitter! But what about the heart? The true heart. Can we really have it both ways? Something to think about...