Severe Mercies

I have come to learn that blessings aren't necessarily what I always thought they were; the things I somehow believed God should grant me because I am His.

Very often, the Lord disguises His blessings as severe mercies. The trials of life that strip me of my resources and remind me that only in Him can I truly live. The agonies that crowd me to the foot of His cross. The healing that comes through pain, struggle and disappointment. Not the blessings I want; but the blessings I need.

The severe mercies of life. Because they are indeed His mercies.

I heard this song for the first time this morning. It is a sweet reminder of what the Lord has been faithfully teaching me over the past few years.

I especially love the last lines:

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

It is of the LORD's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. Lamentations 3:22

Testimony Friday

Next week is Aiden's third birthday, so it seems appropriate to share the testimony of his beginnings today. All of our kids have a unique story, but Aiden was our miracle baby. In more ways than one.

Our marriage had crumbled to pieces in the summer of 2005. Three weeks after Steve and I separated, the little white stick revealed our third bundle of joy was on his way. I felt God had given me a rainbow in the midst of the storm: "Hang on. I'm not finished. There is still a family here."

I knew something was wrong when I went in for my routine 20-week ultrasound and after an hour the technician wouldn't say anything. I was soon informed that Aiden (who we didn't know was Aiden yet!) had some sort of growth on his right lung and I'd need to see a specialist.

We discovered that he had a congenital cystic adenomatoid malformation (CCAM), which is a benign mass of abnormal lung tissue, in the lower lobe of his right lung. It was expected to grow at a rapid pace between weeks 20 and 28 of my pregnancy and could ultimately result in squeezing his little heart into failure.

God used this crisis to nudge Steve and I toward reconciliation. We were both in individual counseling and it became apparent that it was time to start working on our marriage. God had given us this baby and there was no reason I needed to walk the road of uncertainty alone.

We faced the possibility of in-utero surgery and talked to doctors in San Francisco and Denver about our options in case this became necessary. If we didn't have to intervene before he was delivered, his birth would potentially be traumatic and we certainly faced surgery post-delivery.

I went to the specialist twice a week for the next 8 weeks for ultrasounds and stress tests to monitor the CCAM's growth and to make sure our little buddy was hanging in there. For two of those weeks tensions ran high as the mass was growing too quickly and Aiden was developing hydrops.

God intervened. By the 28th week it appeared the CCAM had indeed stopped growing and it seemed like we were in the clear. Relief.

But two weeks later I went into pre-term labor and began to dilate. We needed to keep that baby safe and warm for at least another six weeks so his lungs would have as much time as possible to develop. I was put on bed rest and sent home to do nothing but lay flat on my back for 23 hours a day!

God had been doing a great work in our hearts toward one another. Together with our counselors, Steve and I had been praying that God would show us His perfect timing for reconciliation. It became apparent that this mommy of two preschoolers was going to need some help. And I had help. He was my husband. Steve moved home and we began the process of becoming a family again.

God is so good. With Steve by my side in the delivery room, Aiden entered the world just two weeks early, screaming like a banshee. There was much concern that his lung would not retain oxygen and that he wouldn't be able to support himself. We had a team of specialists standing by and an ambulance waiting to transport him to Children's Hospital, but the volume of his screams indicated his lungs were obviously working! It was the most beautiful sound I've ever heard.

He was taken to the NICU for all of two hours for a thorough checking out. There was shock and amazement among the staff as they kept trying to find something wrong. He was strong and stable. A CT scan showed that the mass was still there, but it wasn't threatening his life.

He underwent surgery to remove the bottom third of his lung when we was three months old. He sailed through beautifully and a week later we were sent home with our precious baby boy.

As God would so amazingly orchestrate, the lungs regenerate themselves for the first eight years of a child's life. Aiden was given a clean bill of health by his surgeon last summer and by the time he is in second grade, a radiologist who doesn't know what he's looking at will never know he was missing part of a vital organ!

We've always prayed about our children's names. When I first suspected I was pregnant I felt God whisper that our baby would be named Aiden. It means "fiery" and I just didn't think that was something I wanted to tag a little boy with, but "Aiden" prevailed and he has certainly lived up to his name.

He doesn't let anything get him down. He is funny, enthusiastic and passionate about life. He has been lovingly nicknamed "the reverend" because he has a heart to pray for anything and everything all the time. He teaches us so much.

I can't help but imagine that during those months, as God was uniquely knitting him together, our little fireball was aware of and impressed by the power of the Almighty, forming a special bond with his Creator. A Creator who, as is so often the case with our Mighty God, was doing much more than forming the life of a child. He was also transforming the hearts of that child's parents and restoring his family.

Protection

I can't even begin to describe the freedom that comes with honesty. Maybe I'm the only one who struggles with this, but when the hard times hit, I somehow believe that isolation will protect me and I'll be better off dealing with it alone.

I believe this is how Satan lies. He wants me to believe I am the only one. I am the only one who doubts. I am the only one who fears. I am the only one who struggles, who gets angry, who fails. Who sins.

So I put on my protective armour and think no one knows and the lie self-perpetuates. But when I shut down and withdraw I am not self-protecting. I am self-destructing.

But oh, how I sense the arms of Jesus when I open up and make myself vulnerable! The stories I hear of struggles not too dissimilar to mine, that I would otherwise never have known. We all have different issues. Yours may not be the same as mine, but they're just as big to you as mine are to me. And I draw such strength in knowing that others are walking the road with me or have been healed and are victorious.

It truly is in our weakness that He is made strong. He is the only one who can penetrate the walls of self-protection I erect. He is the only one who can speak truth through the negative thoughts in my mind. He is the only one who can reach out and take my hand and lead me forward when all I want to do is retreat. He is the only one who loves me enough to get past my very rejection of Him and love me through to wholeness.

He is the only one who can truly protect me.

I am praying that He will solidify this thought in my heart so I can write more about it in the coming days. Because I am now certain that I am not the only one.

Getting Real

For me, one of the most difficult things about blogging is being "real." I had this conversation with a blogging friend a week or so ago and it's been bouncing around in my brain. I can't get rid of it. And now it's being put to the test.

It's easy to put my best foot forward in cyber-world. I am totally together when I come to you via Blogger. My make-up is perfectly applied, my wardrobe is impeccable, and I don't carry a single ounce of baby-weight. I never snap at my husband, get impatient with my children, or fail go to God with my "stuff." I am wonder-woman. After all, it's my blog, and I can be anyone I want to be.

Well, it's time for me to get real. Sorry friends, but the bubble's gonna burst today. If this makes you uncomfortable, you should probably stop reading.

Because the truth is, as I type this I'm not lookin' so pretty. I cried my make-up off in church this morning and never bothered to re-apply, I'm wearing the same jeans I wear just about every day because they're the only ones that (sort of) fit, and well, after five babies, there's just no way this old body is ever going to look like I wish it would. And that's just the outside.

My heart has been looking much worse. I've spent way too much time being angry at my husband for just about everything under the sun, my children have been the unfortunate recipients of my short-tempered outbursts, and God? Well, I put Him on the shelf and told Him to stay there while I thought I was getting everything figured out. What a mess.

My name is Sara Somma and I've been in the pit of post partum depression. I didn't blog last week because I was afraid it would show. I couldn't suck up enough strength to think of something cheery to write about, so I just bagged it.

I've struggled with PPD after each child. It has historically hit right around this same time...between the fourth and fifth month. I've heard it gets worse with each pregnancy, but I was absolutely convinced that I was going to lick it this time.

Steve and I believe God directed us to leave the baby-count in His court. There's a story behind how we got here, but it's not important today. For us, it was simply a matter of obedience.

And hey, when we choose obedience, isn't God supposed to make it easy? I was sure that for me this would mean the PPD would pass me by after Lydia's arrival. I'd be delivered! I mean, if I was allowing Him to do His will in my life, surely He wouldn't let me suffer. But He did and I have.

Maybe I'm the only one who thinks like this. That when I'm following God, He will spare me all pain and anguish. That life will be sweet and easy because I'm doing it His way. That somehow for me it will be different than it was for many of my Biblical heroes.

Noah was mocked by his friends. Abraham was called to sacrifice his son. Moses spent 40 years in the wilderness. Job lost everything. Ruth left her people. Mary carried an "illegitimate" child. Paul was beheaded. And yet, with each of these, and many, many more God received the glory of their final story.

I don't claim to be on par with any of these greats, but God is showing me that in the trials I can trust Him. And there will be trials. In fact, sometimes it seems they will never end. I am learning that even when I'm following Him life will not be easy. But He will see me through and He will provide what I need. He has and He does and He will continue.

On Saturday afternoon, as I sat with a dear mentor and friend (well, actually she was sitting and I was laying in bed with the covers over my head telling her to go away, but that doesn't sound as nice), I was lovingly reminded that I have a story to tell. Post partum or not, God has done amazing things for me.

It would be easy to keep this a cheery, happy, everything-is-perfect-with-my-life blog. Putting on the mask and a smile is second nature for me, but it's something I desperately want to change. Please don't get me wrong. I'm not knocking anyone and I love cheery blogs! But that's not how God is directing me for now. Believe me, I wish He was!

Oh, I'll still include pictures of the kids and focus on the fun parts of our lives, but I will also begin to share my testimony. A little at a time. I'm thinking on Fridays. Some current, some catching up on how we've gotten this far. To give God the glory. He has done great things. And I am certain He's not finished.

I was almost knocked out last week. My blog went silent and I didn't think I'd be able to pick it up again. I believe in the spiritual realm and I have an Enemy who wants me quiet. Well, I'm calling his bluff. And I'm putting it in print.

We'll see where God leads and I hope you'll stay with me.

Testimony Friday

Sometimes someone else has already said it far better than I ever could. For me, that is true in the case of this song. It's an oldie, but a goodie!

Through the trials, the doubts, and the fear. Through the joys, the blessings, and the victories. No matter what state I've been in, HE has been faithful.

In my moments of fear

Through every pain, every tear

There's a God who's been faithful to me

When my strength was all gone

When my heart had no song

Still in love He's proved faithful to me

Every word He's promised is true

What I thought was impossible

I've seen my God do

He's been faithful, faithful to me

Looking back, His love and mercy I see

Though in my heart I have questioned

Even failed to believe

Yet He's been faithful, faithful to me

When my heart looked away

The many times I could not pray

Still my God, He was faithful to me

The days I spent so selfishly

Reaching out for what pleased me

Even then God was faithful to me

Every time I come back to Him

He is waiting with open arms

And I see once again

He's been faithful, faithful to me

Looking back, His love and mercy I see

Although in my heart I have questioned

Even failed to believe

Yet He's been faithful, faithful to me

Testimony Friday

Two weeks I ago I posted about waiting. I was in a place of waiting. Not so much for some thing, but for a heart change and an attitude adjustment that I desperately needed. I had let the pressures of life build up and lost sight of some truths. This was something I had been trying for months to rectify in my own strength, but to no avail.

My waiting post was an act of surrender. It was a confession to my Lord that I needed Him to do the work in me that I couldn't do myself. He alone could be the transformer of this wicked heart of mine. And do you know what? He did it.

As I sat up late typing that night, a peace swept over my soul. No fireworks, no drama, no instant knowledge of renewal and regeneration. Just a quiet and gentle peace.

When I woke up the next morning, my heart was in a different place. The old stuff wasn't bugging me as much. The will of my flesh had subsided and my spirit was at rest. I realized that my act of surrender was more than words on a page, it had been a true transformation of my heart. God had allowed to me to come to the end of myself, and my SELF was a little more dead than she had been the day before.

All this to proclaim how perfect God's timing is. I had been carrying that big old bag of burden for far too long. I knew it and God knew it. And it was time for me to let that big old bag of burden go. I didn't know that, but God did.

You see, the following afternoon Steve gave me the unexpected news that he will soon be laid off. This month or next, we're not sure, but it's coming. It was a shock. He had been guaranteed work at least through November, so although we knew there was a potential end in sight, it was far enough down the road that we weren't especially concerned.

Well, things change. And that changed.

But it's okay. It really is. And we're okay. There is peace in this house about it. There is peace in our hearts. Oh yes, from time to time we pick up the worry and we begin to fret and stew, but then we remember it really won't help anything and we pray.

We know who our Provider is. So this isn't a bad thing. In fact, we're rather excited to see what God is going to do.

My testimony, however, is this: God dealt with my heart on issues completely unrelated to Steve's job in His perfect timing. He heard the cry of my waiting lamentation and took care of that thing, because only He knew that come tomorrow I was going to have a new thing to give Him. And because He had just proven Himself in that thing, giving Him the new thing wasn't so difficult.

Instead of killing me, it strengthened me. He freed me up and gave me the portion I needed in His amazingly perfect, incredible timing.

And that is the power and love and grace and mercy of our God. He will not give us more than we can bear. His word says it. He is faithful to prove it.

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Matthew 11:28-30

Cast your burden on the LORD, and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.

Psalm 55:22

My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

James 1:2-8

Testimony Friday

Steve is in New York for a few days visiting family and attending his grandmother's funeral. I miss him.

Not just because he isn't here to rescue me at the end of a crazy day. Not just because he isn't here to help with dishes and do our nightly devotions. Not just because I'm bored and wishing for some adult conversation after the kids are settled in bed. Although in all these areas I do miss him.

The real reason I miss him is because he truly is my better half and my better part is absent.

I remember the stormy years of our marriage when he was traveling every week for work. At the time, that job was a God-send. He'd fly out first thing Monday morning and come home late Wednesday or Thursday night. Friday was usually good, Saturday would be shaky, and by Sunday I was anxious for Monday so he'd leave again. We didn't get along well enough to handle being together more than three days a week!

How faithful God has been. How much He has restored. Now, he's been gone less than 24 hours and I can't wait for him to come home!

I'm thankful for the reminder of how far we've come. So often, when I get to a new place in life, I forget about the old place. I start to feel stagnant and begin to believe that nothing ever changes. The truth is, I'm always changing. For better or worse, change is taking place.

It's good to look back and see how God's hand has moved. How much things have changed. I am so very grateful that life is not the way it used to be. In Christ, there is always hope.

Looking Back

Today I sit and reflect on 2008 and anticipate the changes we are looking forward to in 2009. I didn't get a Christmas letter out this year, but if I had, the summary of our year would look something like this:

January got us off to a great start. Avery broke her foot (as AJ had just 6 months before...we're all for helping the local podiatrist feed his family!)...well, actually Aiden broke her foot, but we'll leave it at that. Sigourney and Avery both got pneumonia (again, we love keeping our physicians employed!) and we were down for most of the month!

February was much better. We cashed in the remainder of Steve's frequent flier miles and spent 10 glorious days on Maui with my parents. Three years of non-stop travel had to benefit us somehow! AJ lost his first tooth (the first without the help of a dentist anyway!) on the Road to Hana and Sigourney loved crawling in, and occasionally eating, the sand. We whale watched and body surfed and spent lots of time just hanging out on the beach. On the plane trip home, we decided we were glad we'd used the last of our miles because four kids on a plane for six hours was not an experience we wanted to repeat any time soon!

In March Aiden turned two. He'd been acting like he was two for quite awhile, but finally made it official! Cars, trucks, and anything with wheels are hands-down favorites. We find them in his bed, in the shower, in the pantry...just follow the Matchbox trail, and there Aiden will be. He does an amazing job keeping up with his older brother and sister and emphatically states that he is "not a baby, 'Gourney is a baby." With March also came the announcement that a new Somma would soon be arriving.

April was a big month. Sigourney turned one on the 6th and had a grand mal seizure on the 13th. What a way to celebrate a birthday -- she even got an airlift out of the deal. You can read more about her experience and prognosis here. A week after her seizure ordeal we attended a homeschool conference that radically changed our perspective on our childrens' education and the calling God had for us in their lives. We knew it was His timing and we heard Him loud and clear. Being faced with the possibility of loosing a child made us realize we don't have a moment to waste.

May brought Sigourney's second grand mal seizure and subsequent epilepsy diagnosis. We were so thankful to finally have an answer and to get her on medication. Thankfully, from a grand mal standpoint, she has been seizure free.

In June we celebrated AJ and Avery's 6th and 5th birthdays and Grandpa Joe visited from Florida. AJ is into riding his bike, playing baseball in the backyard, and donning his army gear to go find "bad guys" in the woods. Avery is into all things feminine as she refuses to wear pants, loves to help mom in the kitchen, and hosts fabulous tea parties for her siblings, her friends and anyone else who stops in for a visit.

July and August were pretty disappointing weather-wise, but we spent as much time as possible at our local parks and beaches. Avery taught herself to ride her bike without training wheels (in a dress of course!), Sigourney started walking and Aiden got a clean bill of health from his surgeon. The portion of his lung that was removed when he was three months old is regenerating as expected. By the time he is seven, when looking at an x-ray an untrained eye will never know it was missing.

September brought my sister Erin's outdoor wedding on what seemed like the rainiest day of the year. Avery and her cousin Shae were "flower fairies" and the nephews were cowboys. It was a race to the finish as we took bets on what would come first, the wedding or the baby...fortunately the wedding won. We also began our homeschool adventure with AJ in first grade and Avery in kindergarten.

Lydia Rose joined us October 6th. Another quick delivery and a precious baby girl. Avery was thrilled to have a blue-eyed sister and once AJ held her in his arms, he got over his disappointment at not having another brother. Lydia is the recipient of much love and affection at our house; she has lots of baby-holders, and a couple of diaper changers. She is our loudest crier yet, but we have concluded that it is probably the only way she knows she'll be heard.

In November, Steve started work on a new project in an exclusive Seattle neighborhood. We are thankful for people with large trust funds who continue to build houses in this rough market. His commute is long, but I think he secretly enjoys the peace and quiet of his truck for three hours a day!

Our church also went through a significant restructuring in November, and a group of us is now meeting in the home of dear friends. It definitely doesn't look like church as we have known it, but we are seeing God move mightily. It has been a wonderful environment for our family as we are building stronger relationships. We are coming to understand that our spiritual discipleship and growth should not be left to a church on Sundays, but should be taking place all week long within the walls of our home. It has been an exciting journey.

December brought with it one of the biggest and most fun snowfalls the NW has seen in a long time. We ended up with over 20 inches at our house! While the typical snow pattern here is snow one day and rain the next, we saw continued snowfall for almost two weeks. The kids spent lots of time sledding down the hill in front of our house, and Steve brought his New York snow experience into the mix by building them the coolest fort in the neighborhood.

Christmas Eve we spent with my family. My cousin Seth was home from Iraq and joined us with his twin girls, so we had 22 people, twelve of them children and ten of those under the age of eight! It was pretty crazy!

Christmas Day was one of the best ever as we spent it with some dear friends. We ate great food, sang carols, read scripture and the kids put on a spectacular Christmas story performance.

Also, in December I shocked friends and family by starting this blog. I have found it a great way to share what God is doing in my heart and life and home. As I write, I realize that although I am easily discouraged with myself and the growth I would like to be making, the Lord continues to mold, shape and refine me.

The year of 2008 was a blessed one for the Somma household. The life we experienced stimulated growth and dependence on God in ways we would have otherwise never imagined. We look forward to 2009 and anticipate the changes it, too, will bring, being confident in this:

Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly, abundantly more than we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen

Ephesians 3:20-21

Sigourney

Sigourney had her 18 month well-child check yesterday. Yes, we are a couple of months behind, but I was delivering a baby on her 18 month birthday!

This picture of her was taken just a few days after she turned one as she was getting ready to check out of Children's Hospital following her first grand mal seizure.

What began as a fun evening roasting marshmallows on the back patio changed so quickly. Her breathing became short and halting and we thought she had smoke inhalation. When she became unresponsive we called the paramedics. They thought maybe she was choking and were going to "run her up" to the ER to clear her airway and get her taken care of.

No sooner had they pulled out of our development when she started seizing in Steve's arms. The EMT's gave her an IV and tried to clear "the blockage" with a metal wire and she didn't even flinch. Steve said he thought he was losing her. When I arrived at the hospital an hour later, I immediately knew what room she was in. Almost the entire ER staff was in her room or standing outside of it; the paramedics were still there, looking grim.

I walked in and saw her lying spread eagle on the table, tubes everywhere, doctors on all sides. I thought she was gone. The doctors couldn't get the seizures to stop. For two and a half hours, they administered medication after medication and nothing worked. She wouldn't breathe on her own. Airlift was summoned to transport her to Children's, but she wasn't even stable enough for transfer. Later we would sign a release form and put her on the helicopter without us.

As we made the trip south to Children's by car, God spoke to my heart: "If I take her, will you love Me still?" Gulp. "Yes, Lord, but oh..."

Once at Children's, she stabilized in ICU and the seizures stopped. Tests were run, neurologists shook their heads, and we were sent home a few days later with medication "in case" it happened again. It did. Three weeks later. Ambulances, hospitals, tests all over again. But still we were given no answers.

God led us to an amazing child neurologist with a year long waiting list. Through a friend's connection, and after hearing Sigourney's story, he made an exception and agreed to see her immediately. She was diagnosed with epilepsy and began anti-seizure medication therapy. She still has occasional break through seizures, but nothing like the traumatic grand mals she experienced last spring.

At her check up yesterday, she was declared "perfect." This is especially significant given the fact that seizures lasting more than 45 minutes often result in brain damage, but Sigourney shows no signs of this. The side effects of her medications can also cause delayed physical growth -- Sigourney is in the 100th percentile for height and weight, the exact opposite! She is also developing on target behaviorally and socially. We are so encouraged!

Sigourney's name means "Victorious Conqueror." God has definitely shown this true in her life. We are excited to see His plan for her unfold. In the meantime, we just love to see her smile!

Still Exercising Thankfulness

I'm still trying to walk in Thankfulness this week. I wasn't blogging last week, so I didn't have a chance to share what I'm so incredibly thankful for this year.

1. I'm thankful for a God who loves me. Even when I'm unlovable. Even when I'm struggling to trust Him. Even when I fail to bring glory to His name. He still loves me.

2. I'm thankful for a husband who is a Mighty Man of God. The testimony of his life is truly a reflection of the power God has to take a broken vessel and make it whole. The choice he made to surrender and relinquish control. To receive the love and life God had waiting for him. It is reflected in the love he lavishes on me, the dedication he shows in raising our children, and the sparkle in his eyes.

3. I'm thankful for five beautiful children. God has truly blessed me. Their individuality, their unity, their joy, their tender hearts. They remind me each and every day that God alone is able to supply what I need to be their mom. Their simple, yet profound view of God exemplifies why Jesus said "let the children come." They really get it. I need a heart like that.

4. I'm thankful that God has done miracles for our family. Real miracles.

In my marriage. Those dreadful days when I didn't know if we'd make it, He gave me hope in a hopeless place and He turned things around. Truly beauty for ashes. It would have been 'easy' to walk away, but oh, what we would have missed.

In my children: The doctors told us Avery would always be sick, she wouldn't be able to do the things normal kids do. God healed her. He turned those blood tests around. She's joyful and energetic; she's healthy!

All those ultrasounds with Aiden. The worry, the fear, the unknown. Would he make it? That boy came out screaming! There was oxygen in his lungs! A gifted team of medical doctors and, this past summer, a clean bill of health. Most of the time I wish he wouldn't scream so much, but I'm so thankful he can!

Sigourney's seizures. The trauma of watching a child struggle with breath. I will never forget the sight of her limp body, her blue lips, her erratic movements. The medication wouldn't work. We had to release her to the airlift team and let her go. I thought God was going to take her. Today, she's mimicking the sounds of her siblings, she's running around trying to keep up with them, she makes us all stop and laugh!!!

I'm so guilty of taking life for granted. Of taking God for granted. I have so much to be thankful for. Oh, it may not be a big showy house, an enviable wardrobe, a fancy car, or public acclaim. But I have what's really important: life, love, and eternal security.

My thankfulness needs to be more than just talk. It needs to radiate from the abundance in my heart. It needs to be so deep and so real that I don't forget about it when life gets hard. I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it. I'm praying for it. And it will come.