A Tribute

Two years ago today, our dear friend Mark Panzanella was ushered through the gates of heaven and into the arms of Jesus. Here on earth, he left behind his wonderful wife Nicole, and his two young daughters, Francesca and Gianna, who are now 8 and 6 years old. My heart goes out to Nicole and the girls in a special way today, so I'm dedicating this post to them and to Mark's memory.

Mark was radical. Nothing Mark did was "the norm." He laughed loud, loved hard, and served Jesus with an all or nothing spirit.

Hailing from Ohio, Mark was an avid Cleveland Browns and Indians fan. He and Steve spent many hours sharing their love of sports and razzing each other about who claimed the better team.

Mark loved being Italian. As couples we'd sit out on their back porch on the weekends eating the great food that Mark loved to prepare, listening to funky Italian music. One of our favorite songs was That's Amore. Mark is still the first person I think of when I hear it.

Mark gave the greatest whole-hearted, squeeze-you-to-death hugs on the face of the planet.

Mark stood up for us at our wedding and believed in our relationship when we were hearing from a lot of naysayers. He saw a God connection that didn't necessarily make sense and encouraged us to look to Him rather than for the approval of man.

Mark had a heart to worship God. He would play for hours on Sundays (and Thursdays and Fridays and Saturdays...) and seemingly never tire. He was a true 'Nagan' worshipper. We still love watching some of our old Church of the Hills videos and catching a glimpse of Mark on the keyboard. He had a gift for music that he gave back to the Lord by using it to honor and glorify Him.

Mark always, always, always kept his eyes on the Lord and drew his strength from Him. He and Steve were the key players in the video ministry at our church. For Steve, it was mostly a hobby. It was Mark's profession and livelihood. He didn't get paid enough and could have made a lot more money somewhere else, but he wouldn't think about it. He wasn't doing it for a particular church or for public acclaim, he was doing it for the Lord. He believed he was exactly where God wanted him to be and nothing else mattered. He knew God was his provider and Mark placed a much higher priority on living in the will of God than having a fat bank account.

I asked Steve this morning if he wanted to contribute any thoughts to this post. He said "Mark loved the Lord with all his heart. He was one of the most committed men I have ever met. And I am better for having known him. He is in heaven, side by side with his Savior and I know I'll see him again. That about sums it up. That's all that matters."

So Nicole, we love you. We know that this day is hardest on you as you remember all that you have lost here on earth. May your memories of Mark be sweet and may you feel the arms of Jesus around you in a profound way. May God give you the strength you need to raise your girls to be as committed to Him as their daddy was. May He provide for your every need in such a way that you can truly rest in Him.

Francesca and Gianna, be assured that your daddy is waiting for you in heaven. I see so much of him in both of you. In your broad smiles and the sparkle in your eyes. More than anything else, the legacy your dad would want you to carry on would be in your love for Jesus Christ. May God show Himself to you in such a real way that as you mature you become as sold-out and radical as your daddy was.

In our carnal minds, it's hard to understand why God chose to take Mark at such a young age. I can only imagine that God was so pleased with him that He wanted him in heaven more than we needed him here. I can almost picture Mark sitting at the feet of Jesus worshiping and praising Him...and asking that He would please give the Cleveland Indians a better season than the Browns had!

Looking Toward 2009

The snow has mostly melted, the Christmas decorations are mostly put away and it's on to the next thing, so I'm contemplating my New Years' resolutions.

I heard the challenge across the radio yesterday: "What will your resolution be? To lose weight? To live a healthier lifestyle? To clean out the closet you haven't seen the back of in months?" etc. etc...

Somehow those suggestions just seemed so shallow. So inadequate and insignificant. So focused on ME. So I began to think about what my list would -- or should -- look like. What God would want my resolutions -- or life changes -- to look like. After all, He is the One who gave me life and it is His purposes I should be living out. My weight and the closets are not things He is especially concerned about.

Here's Phase 1 of my list:

Sara's 2008 Resolutions

1. To spend more time with God every day; to hear from Him and to respond accordingly. And to teach my children to do the same.
2. To respect my husband more. To focus on him and his needs; to spend time figuring out what makes him tick and to honor him the way he needs to be honored.
3. To connect with my kids in ways that let them know I am for them and that I really do love them. To invest energy in letting them know that I am on their side, and that they are among the greatest gifts God has given me. To reinforce by my attitude and actions that they are not a burden or a chore, but that they are my blessings!
4. To let go of my need to be right. To drop the issues that are unimportant, and to seek righteousness rather than rightness. After all, what glory is there in being right anyway?
5. To be better at letting go of the distractions that keep me from doing the really important stuff (like working on #s 1-4).

And then, once I've conquered some of these, maybe I'll spend a little time working on my weight and the closets that are calling my name...

Clean Up

Christmas is over and I feel like I'm in a mess!

Yes, the house is part of it. All these new THINGS to find a place for. All the little parts and pieces to organize and put away. All the decorations that need to be boxed and stashed until next year. All the needles I'll be vacuuming from that real tree I so desperately needed. Yes, the stuff is getting to me.

But it's more than that. For some reason, Christmas does not bring out the best in me. Maybe it's memories of Christmas disappointments past or the unmet expectations of Christmas present. Maybe it's the strained family relationships that always seem to come into focus this time of year. Maybe it's thinking too much about how it should have been, but wasn't. The baking I didn't get done, the craft projects I didn't finish, and the people we didn't see. I'm not really sure. And I can analyze it to death, but it probably won't help.

The truth is that the mess is me. I can blame it on all the outside circumstances I want, but the circumstances are merely symptomatic of what's inside my heart. I choose my responses and this week they have not been pretty. I have been reacting way too much. My emotions are heightened and I'm giving them too much power.

Oh, I know what I'm supposed to do and how I'm supposed to respond. In fact, in my mind, it's all played out the "right" way. But what actually comes out of my mouth and in my attitude? That's another story! It's easy to determine in a quiet house when everyone is sleeping that it will be a lot easier at the break of day. But the stresses of life will erupt again.

The question that begs answering is: what's spilling out of my cup? If I have poured milk into my daughter's breakfast cup and it gets knocked over, the only thing that can come out of that cup is milk because that's what I put in it. What spills out is what it's filled with. Same with me.

So what's in my cup? Is it Jesus or is it me? If I'm truly filled with the Spirit of my Lord, He's the only thing that can spill out. But when I'm filled with the spirit of Sara, yuck!, it is anything but lovely.

And much too often, I am filled with myself. I am full of self-centerdness and pride. It's my way or the highway around here. And that attitude affects my household. It provokes my husband and unsettles my children. And the whole house gets to be a mess. But guess who started it? Me!

I have so much power in my home. I have the power to build it up and make it a lovely, peaceful place. Or I have the power to tear it down and make it a chaotic, emotional mess. Moment by moment. In every situation.

So as I contemplate the days to come and the new year I am soon to ring in, God is reminding me that I have a choice. I am not a victim of circumstance. I have a decision to make. I don't have to be in a mess. My house doesn't have to be in shambles. Just as I will find places for all the stuff lying around, I have a place to put my heart stuff too.

At the foot of the cross.

I just celebrated the birth of my Savior. Jesus came as a sweet little baby not to stay a baby, but to bear the ugly burden of my ugly sin on an ugly cross. It was anything but sweet. But it was loving. And it was for me.

Christmas 2008 is over, but the story isn't. There is hope for me, and I am so, so thankful.

AJ's Conscience

My dear AJ is in a new "stage." He is keenly aware of the choices he is making. Over and over again he comes to me during the day and says things like, "Mom, I bumped Sigourney when she walked by, but I asked for forgiveness," "Mom, I thought in my mind that I didn't want to clean up the playroom when you asked me to. Please forgive me for having a bad attitude," "Mom, I yelled at Avery because she made a face at me, but I shouldn't have yelled, I should have told her nicely that it hurt my feelings," or "Mom, I really wanted to hit Aiden when he took my army guy, but I didn't. Isn't that good, Mom?"

His conscience seems to be in overdrive and he is constantly confessing. At first it was really sweet and then it became redundant and then I just started to get annoyed because he was doing it so much. I have reminded him that while asking for forgiveness is crucial, he needs to think before he acts and does something he will regret. We have talked about the intentions of his heart and I told him that accidentally bumping into his sister was not sin. I've explained self-control and what it means to have a heart of true repentance. And for the most part, I think he gets it.

But he's still involving me in the process. Coming to me repeatedly and saying, "Mom, I just want to tell you this one thing..." And it seems like he's doing it a hundred times a day!

The other day he came to me when I was in the middle of doing something really important like folding laundry or doing dishes, and I was frustrated by his interruption. Again. I almost said "AJ, you don't have to tell me every single thing you do, every bad thought you have or every mistake you make." But I stopped. Thanks be to God that I stopped.

True, he doesn't need to tell me everything he does. But the principle he's practicing is right on target. And it's really big. If he's developing the habit of telling me what he's dealing with, I need to reinforce it. But I also need to redirect it. It is my responsibility to teach AJ to go to God with all the things he's bringing to me. Every single one of them. I must not help him numb his heart to conviction.

He is obviously discerning the actions and attitudes of his heart. He is coming into an understanding of motivations, manipulations, and well, SIN. Not a popular word, and certainly easy to downplay when talking about a 6 1/2 year old boy. But, he knows his heart, and he is gaining a true understanding of choosing between right and wrong. He knows when he's choosing right and he knows when he's choosing wrong. The Holy Spirit is working in AJ's life. And he wants to talk about it. To me. What an honor!

While AJ still needs to gain an understanding of grace, I have to teach him the difference between true, Godly grace and not just the grace he wants to give himself. I must help him understand that he will fail. But when he does, he has an incredible opportunity to go not only to the person he has offended, but to Almighty God, to confess and then repent and turn away from the behavior.

This needs to be more than just a "stage" that I let my son pass through. I can't think it's cute, or even bothersome, and toss it aside as an "I can't wait until he gets through this thing." This is an opportunity God is giving me as AJ's mom to teach him the basic truths of the Bible. God's plan of redemption. It's foundational and for AJ's sake I have to get it right. Soon enough, he'll pass into the next "stage" and I won't be hearing much about what's going on in his heart...

Which means it needs to be right in my own life. I need to be as aware of my sin as my son is of his so that I can provide an example of holiness. Will I fail? Absolutely. But when I do, I have to be open, humble and honest. I need to seek forgiveness where it is required, truly ask God to change my heart in the weak areas, and receive His grace in the process.

Yes, I need to teach these things to my son. But what is really happening, is that God is using my son to teach me.

If My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land. 2 Chronicles 7:14

Fun Mom

It's another snowy day in the Puget Sound. We have about 5 inches now and it's still coming down! They're predicting it might even last through Christmas! The kids are in heaven during the day and they've been sleeping well at night...

Days like these help me realize what's really important. I have so many "to dos" on my list. Christmas is a week away and I'm not nearly as ready as I think I should be. I have cards to finish, baking to do, presents to wrap, menus to plan and last-minute errands to run. Not to mention the laundry that needs to be folded, the bathrooms that need to be cleaned and the carpets that need vacuuming.

But it will all have to wait. Today I'm going to take my children outside, rather than just sending them out on their own. We're going to sled down the hill a hundred times, attempt to build a snowman as well as Dad can, invite the neighbor kids in for some cocoa and forget about the floor that needs to be mopped when we come inside.

Then we're going to put the coats in the dryer and do it all again.

It's going to be a "fun mom" day. We don't have enough of those around here, so I'm off to bundle up...

Kid Funny

As the eldest sister of the bunch, Avery takes her responsibility very seriously:

"Mom, I couldn't find Lydia's boppy (pacifier), so I gave her my nose!"

Snow Day

It's a winter wonderland here in the Pacific Northwest! We woke up yesterday morning to a few inches of snow and frigid temperatures. The kids gobbled up their breakfast and headed outside. They have learned from seasons past that if they don't get out there quick it could melt before their eyes! The weatherman (or is it weatherperson?!) predicts continued cold and more snow later in the week. We hope so!

That's Sigourney in there somewhere!

Avery and her best friend Anna

The roads were clear enough that we were able to continue with our plans for our annual Christmas trip to Seattle with my family. We waited 3 hours in line for a picture with Santa...

And the boys were able to make their requests (although Avery asked why we even go see Santa "since you're the one who brings our presents anyway, we can just ask you.")...
My sisters and I have been doing this for 35 years. For some reason, my mother thinks it's still necessary...enough already!

We always follow up with a ride on the carousel, but Aiden DID NOT want to go on a horse. He asked to sit with Lydia on the bench!